psychology of writing

Who Should You Trust?

Published on by Kristi Holl

If you have experienced betrayal as an adult, or abuse as a child, trust is a big, scary deal. You are a rare person if, in today’s world, you don’t have trust issues.

  • Who can you trust?
  • Who shouldn’t you trust?
  • What are the signs?
  • If someone is sorry for betrayal, does that make them trustworthy?
  • Can broken trust be fixed?

Help is On the Way

I very, very rarely write a book recommendation after only reading an Introduction and the first chapter, but Dr. Henry Cloud’s newest book (to be released the end of March) is one such book.

It’s called TRUST: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken.

Few authors’ books have been as life-changing for me as Henry Cloud’s books, starting in the early 90s with the Boundaries books, and now his podcasts and classes on Boundaries.me. He writes on topics close to my heart (and millions of other people’s). If you pre-order Trust, you will receive two great bonuses: the introduction and first chapter of the new book, plus an excellent PDF download to help you apply the first chapter right away.

Repairing Broken Trust

If you’ve ever been deeply hurt in a relationship, you may simply have a life-long issue with trusting even trustworthy people. If so, the first chapter and study workbook alone will help considerably! (Working through the exercises in the downloaded workbook has already helped me with a troublesome issue!)  

Do you want to build solid, healthy relationships because you can assess people effectively before you trust them? Do you want to know why and how trust is broken? Can you learn to repair valuable relationships that fall prey to misunderstanding or miscommunication? Do you want every aspect of your life and relationships to work? Then order Henry Cloud’s new book ASAP.

[And if you’re a writer who has boundary problems with the people in your life, grab a free copy now of my e-book, Boundaries for Writers.]

Fight Back: The Importance of Reading and Writing Fiction

Published on by Kristi Holl

Not everyone understands why we love to read fiction. With a sniff and upturned nose, it has been called a “waste of time” by many. And when we first begin writing fiction, we may also have trouble justifying using precious free time “just to write stories.”

Reading is more acceptable to some if you read nonfiction. After all, you’re learning something. You’re stretching your mind. You aren’t wasting time on “mindless entertainment.”

However, if you write fiction, some people are not as understanding, especially if they don’t read it themselves. I once had someone close to me say that I only made up stories because I couldn’t handle the real world. That stunned me and hurt, but part of me wondered if there was a grain of truth there.

I both read fiction and wrote fiction because I wasn’t too happy at the time with my real world. I did read to escape (and I had since childhood). And it’s true that for many years, I used stories to right some wrongs and make life turn out the way I wanted it to (e.g. reconciled relationships, or nailing the bad guy, or solving a problem.) I know that “they say” not to write fiction with a message, but those middle-grade novels won the most awards and generated the most letters from children, so not everyone agrees.

Is Reading and Writing Fiction Valuable?

I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I knew instinctively that there were VERY GOOD REASONS for both reading fiction and writing it. I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t wasting time. I knew that I had learned some of life’s most valuable lessons from good stories, lessons that stuck with me much longer than any self-help reading I had done. I sensed that I was doing something good that had value, both for myself (when reading) and for others (through writing fiction).

I wondered if others had the same questions and concerns. A quick search online found dozens of articles on the benefits of reading fiction. So if you question the deep importance of reading or writing the stories you love, check out a few of the articles listed below. You’ll be reassured. And you’ll be eager to open that novel at bedtime or tackle another chapter on your work-in-progress.

Reading and writing fiction is NOT a waste of time. Far from it! 

For Your Reading Pleasure 

If you still have doubts about the importance of reading fiction or writing fiction, ponder these ideas:

  1. The Surprising Power of Reading Fiction: 9 Ways it Make Us Happier and More Creative
  2. 5 Surprising Ways Reading Fiction Benefits Your Mental Health
  3. The Benefits of Reading Literary Fiction That You May Not Know
  4. 10 Reasons Christians Should Read Fiction
  5. Why Christians Should Read More Fiction
  6. Why Reading Literary Fiction is Good for You

Unhappiness: a Positive Sign for Writers

Published on by Kristi Holl

unhappinessHave you ever considered the fact that unhappiness is the first step along the writer’s path?

“Toddlers are bursting with the anxiety and helplessness of having feelings that they can’t get anybody around them to understand. They don’t even have the right words in their heads yet—it’s all emotion and frustration. That’s also an accurate description of writers in step one.” This is how Nancy Pickard and Lynn Lott describe the first of their Seven Steps on the Writer’s Path: the Journey from Frustration to Fulfillment. [I highly recommend this book, by the way.]

This unhappiness may feel like an itchy feeling under your skin. It may feel like an urge to change something. Call it restlessness or discontent or creative tension. “Unhappiness,” say the authors, “to one degree or another, is where all creativity begins.”

Message in the Misery

If you’re starting to feel that itch to change something in your life, you’re moving into Step One. Maybe you don’t feel unhappy exactly. Maybe you’re just restless. But if this tension is trying to tell you that you’re a writer who should be writing, it can very quickly turn into discomfort and then misery if you don’t pay attention to it.

Even published writers in a long-time career can feel this unhappiness or tension when it’s time to make a change. “Every important turn on my writer’s path has been preceded by unhappiness,” Nancy Pickard admits. “The more major the turn, the worse the misery.” (I can certainly identify with that! I get bored first, after writing in the same genre or on the same subjects for years. I itch to try something new or more challenging, something fresh that will stretch me again.)

Brands of Writer Unhappiness

If you’ve been writing for a long time, this unhappy first step on the writer’s path may have more specific origins. It might be the misery of being in a day job you’d give anything to quit so you could write full-time. Or it’s the misery of a writer’s block that just won’t budge—perhaps for months. It might be the misery of when your proposal has been rejected by a dozen editors or agents—and your spouse has told you to get “a real job.”

What About You?

There are many signs, according to these authors, that you are in the first step along the writer’s path (the first of seven very identifiable steps, in which the authors offer practical solutions). I had always assumed that the beginning stages (for other writers) was a time of great excitement, a happy eager time. I was glad to find that I wasn’t the only one who was boosted into action for the opposite reason!

How about YOU? How do YOU know when it’s time to get creative?

Climbing Out of a Writing Hole

Published on by Kristi Holl

“How does a project get a year behind schedule? One day at a time.” ~~Fred Brooks (IBM computer software developer)

While I’m not behind a whole year on my current writing project, this question has been ricocheting around in my mind lately. I have writing deadlines stacked up for many months, for which I am truly grateful.

But I am sorely behind where I had hoped to be at this point. Some things happened which I could not have foreseen–like happens to everyone. That’s life. There’s probably a lesson there on building more “what if something happens?” time into my schedule.

Right now, I don’t really have the time to do some big analysis of how this happened. I just need to get dug out of this hole and back on schedule. But how?

Faster, More, Hurry!

Our tendency is to look at how behind we have gotten with our writing projections (including you ambitious writers who are doing NaNoWriMo this year) and determine to buckle down and write 10,000 words every day till we are caught up. Then by Day 3 we feel rotten from no sleep or exercise, by Day 6 we are sick, and Day 7 we throw up our hands in despair and take necessary time off.

That has been my usual “catch up” method in the past. And it doesn’t work. It has never worked! And yet that is my inner urge, even as I write this. Stress, stress, stress!

Another Way

But this time I have decided to do it another way. And the minute I made the decision, I noticed my stomach settled down, I stopped hunching over the laptop, and I began breathing deeply again instead of hyperventilating. I will be climbing out of this hole differently.

What will I do? Use my writing GPS system and “recalculate.” Pretend that today is my starting point and I am right on schedule today, then figure out how much I need to do daily to make my deadline. I am relieved to see that it’s not 10,000 words either. It’s not nearly as bad as I was figuring, in fact. That’s often the way it is.

One Day at a Time

The quote at the top of the page shows how we all get behind in our writing projects: one day at a time. But the answer to the problem is also in that quote. We climb out of the hole one day at a time.

And if I concentrate just on the amount I need to do today–and each day after this–then I’ll make the deadline. And I should stay healthy as well. Then I can go out and celebrate when I turn in the book!

Writer Imaging (Part 3)

Published on by Kristi Holl

(First read “Writer Imaging” Part 1 and Part 2.) Here are the final attributes of a happy writing life…

4. Staying focused on the positive. View your writing life as a series of opportunities and growth experiences, even though some experiences (like rejection slips) may involve pain.

Daily there are good things to focus on though. Focus on the excitement of finding a good idea, or researching a fascinating subject, or working in a quiet library where you can still smell the stacks of books.

In the same vein, avoid worry, anger and depression wherever possible, and if it’s a part of your life, stop and deal with it. In The Right to Write, Julia Cameron says: “the truth is that too much torment and too much depression can make it as difficult to write as to make the bed, wash the dishes, do the laundry. To the depressed person, writing may present itself as one more chore. For this reason, we are actually working on our writing when we directly address the larger issue of our happiness.”

5. Spending time socializing with other writers. Form writing and critique groups. One word of caution, though: choose WORKING writers, not just people who like to talk about writing someday or go to workshops. Choose writing friends who actually are committed to writing consistently and trying to improve.

Iron sharpens iron. You need writers who will hold you accountable, not for sales, but for trying, for studying the markets, for revising, for doing thorough research, for your daily journaling, or whatever writing activities you’ve chosen for your growth. And if the writers you meet with stop writing, don’t feel compelled to remain in the group. Drop out and find other working writers to socialize with. You will help each other along.

The Whole Truth and Nothing But 
Believe it or not, winning an award or being on the bestseller list would NOT change your writing life, either for better or for worse. That’s because fame and fortune (both which are fleeting, I’m told) are not the elements of a good writing life any more than being thin guarantees happiness for women.

Incorporating the above five elements in your life will do a lot more for creating a happy writer. The best part about this news is, of course, that these five attributes are totally under your control. They don’t depend on the shifting markets, changing times, or fickle public taste.

Each attribute of a happy writer’s life is attainable by every writer. So start today. Right now. Change your perceptions of what a successful writer’s life entails. (It’s probably better than you’ve imagined.) Then go out and make it happen for yourself.

Calling All Introverts!

Published on by Kristi Holl

I laughed out loud when I read the quote below–mostly because it describes me so well. How about you?

“You have your day scheduled out, given over to the expectations of others. You brace yourself for what’s ahead. Then you get a call. The day is cancelled; everyone who needed you is down with a three-day virus. Is there anything more delicious? You know what I’m talking about. We don’t like others to be sick, but we love others to cancel. We become giddy at the prospect of ‘found’ time–time without plans or expectations. Time to think.”

Introverts Unite!

This is from a book called Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength by Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D. She is great at defining introverts.

Contrary to what you might have heard, introverts are not geeky, shy wallflowers, or antisocial. We’re introverts (by definition)  because we “recharge our batteries” in solitude or in quiet one-on-one conversations, while extroverts can get recharged in noisy party-type settings with lots of people.

Introverts are not a minority–we’re just quieter than noisy extroverts. A recent large study showed that introverts comprise 57% of the population. That was a surprise to me. I always felt like I didn’t fit in with the masses. As it turns out, introverts are the masses!

Introvert Writers

I suspect that many writers are introverts. Otherwise, we might not enjoy spending so much time alone writing. And it would explain why our favorite thing to do is read and our favorite places are libraries and bookstores.

Much of the book is about celebrating being an introvert, and then using your introvert traits to thrive in an extrovert country. (Americans prize being extroverts, whereas the Japanese prize being introverts.)

How About You?

Are you an introvert? Will you admit it? (This sounds like Introverts Anonymous: “Hello. My name is Kristi, and I’m an introvert.”) If you think you are, what’s hard for you being an introvert in an extrovert world?

Stage Three: Start-Up

Published on by Kristi Holl

If you’ve done the previous stages of exploration and preparation in “The Five Stages of Success,” then you’re probably eager to begin “Stage Three: Start-Up.”

Time to get the show on the road!

You have your writing dream, you’ve made the decision, and you’ve taken some steps to turn that dream into reality. I found “starting up” to be both the most exciting and the most frightening stage.

Deal With the Fears

Why should this stage–which is full of so much anticipation–be scary? Some of it has to do with money and security. By the time I hit this stage, we had another child and a need for more income. Writing for magazines wasn’t going to cut it–I wasn’t bringing in enough money.

I could go back to teaching elementary school–that had been the plan when the babies started arriving. There was pressure to do so–to “get a real job.” And some of that pressure was from me. It’s so much easier to rely on a steady paycheck than face freelance unknowns.

Leap of Faith

If money is an issue in your family, there is a mental mind shift you will need to make. As an employee, you receive a predictable paycheck from a company. If you want to be a freelance writer, you need to create your income. No money arrives on Friday just because you showed up at your desk and put in the time working. You have to create the opportunities to work, do the work, and sell the work to the publisher. This reality can be daunting.

On the other hand, as a freelance writer every day brings the possibility of new ideas, new choices, and earning potential beyond what you are probably imagining. I know that in later years I used to be in awe that I got paid well to do something I loved to do anyway (stay home and make up stories). It wouldn’t have happened if I’d gone back to teaching public school–not with raising kids and dealing with the health issues I had. Creativity takes some solitude and considerable energy–and there wouldn’t have been enough.

Biting the Bullet

Yes, when you start out, you feel like a newbie, the new kid on the block, wet behind the ears–all those cliches. And you may be living on a shoestring for a while. This is probably where your desire truly gets put to the test: how badly do you really want this writing life?

If you still want it, get on a writing schedule. Arrange what you can for an office. Get what equipment you can afford, and stock up on supplies. And take time to celebrate each successful step you take!

If you want the life of a writer, it’s time to get started. [And come back Friday for “Stage Four: Survival and Growth.”‘]