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Frustration and the Serenity Prayer for Writers

Published on by Kristi Holl

This has been a frustrating week on several levels.

When I’m frustrated, it’s usually a sign that I’m trying to control something I can’t control. This can be a person or a situation or an event. The process can churn your mind into mush until you can’t think.

On the other hand, making a 180-degree switch and focusing on the things I can control (self-control) is the fastest way out of frustration. This concept certainly applies to your writing life.

Words of Wisdom

Remember the Serenity Prayer? It goes like this: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

How about reducing frustration with your writing life by applying that wisdom to your career? Here are some things to accept that you cannot change:

  • How long it takes to get a response from editors and agents
  • Rejections
  • Editors moving before buying the manuscript they asked to see
  • Size of print runs
  • Reviews (print or online)
  • Publisher’s budget for your book’s publicity and promotion
  • How much promotion is expected of the author
  • Publishers going out of business

Trying to change anything on the above list is a sure-fire route to frustration and wanting to quit.

However, do you have courage to change the things you can? Here are some:

  • Giving yourself positive feedback and affirmations
  • Reading positive books on the writing life
  • Studying writing craft books and applying what you learn
  • Writing more hours (write/rest/write/rest/write/rest)
  • Reading more current books in the genre where you want to publish
  • Attending local, state, regional and national conferences you can afford
  • Joining or forming a critique group
  • Blocking out set times to do your promotional work

Wisdom to Know the Difference

If you’re battling frustration and discouragement with the writing life, chances are good that you’re trying to control something beyond your control. It will make you crazy! The fastest way back to sanity is to concentrate on what you can control about the writing life.

Choose anything from that second list–or share an additional idea in the comments below–and get on with becoming a better writer. In the end, that’s all you can do–and it will be enough.

Your Writing: Who's in Charge? (Part 3)

Published on by Kristi Holl

(First read Mental Boundaries: Who’s in Charge Part 1 and Emotional Boundaries: Who’s in Charge? Part 2.)

By now, you’ve changed your thoughts and your attitudes. However, in the final analysis, taking charge of your writing life comes down to taking action.

Are you actually writing? Have you developed the Seven Habits of a Highly Effective Writer? 

3. Actions

Taking action involves substitution. You are replacing unhelpful actions damaging to your writing with productive actions. As Making Good Habits, Breaking Bad Habits says, it’s much easier to break bad habits if you simply replace them with good habits or good goals.

Doing the action of the good habit should be your focus, not “breaking” the bad habit. Good actions will crowd out the bad ones. You won’t have time for both!

Do you have the committed attitude talked about in Part 2 of the series? That committed attitude will make choosing your actions easier.

Commitment and Choice-Making

When you’re willing to do whatever it takes to revamp your personal life so you can write, the choices become clear. You will do things like:

  • choosing to write before doing the dishes, even though it bugs you to leave dirty dishes in the sink.
  • choosing to write for an hour instead of watch TV or talk on the phone.
  • choosing to have that lower carb/higher protein lunch so your writing energy is high all afternoon.
  • choosing to retire at a decent hour so you’re alert to create the next morning.
  • choosing to make quality time with your family so you can write without feeling guilty–and without being neglectful.
  • choosing to set goals, write them down, and even make a poster for your wall so you’re staring at them daily.
  • choosing to settle family quarrels and resolve conflicts partly because NOT doing so saps all your writing energy.

You will make choices in all areas of your life that will support your writing instead of making it more difficult. [If making these choices is difficult, you might find help in my Boundaries for Writers e-book.]

Each time you come to a fork in the road, make a choice to be in control of your writing. Each choice might look small, but these decisions add up to your life. Do find that freedom that comes from being in charge of yourself–and thus, your writing.

“If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.” —Napoleon Hill

As I mentioned before, I’ve been working hard myself to improve habits in all areas of my life, including the writing. In the last year, I’ve found these books especially helpful.

 

Emotional Boundaries: Who's in Charge? (Part 2)

Published on by Kristi Holl

(First read Mental Boundaries: Who’s in Charge?–Part 1)

 Are you tired of feeling the same defeatist way about your writing?

Are you ready for something new?

 2. Attitudes

Changing your thoughts will change your mental attitudes and emotional feelings about writing. Even so, there will be times throughout the day when you will be faced with negative feelings flooding you.

Do you let the disgruntled feelings in–maybe even entertain them? Or do you choose to throw them out and lock the door? Do you set appropriate emotional boundaries so you can work? 

Instead of postponing happiness until you get published, choose to be content with your writing today.

  • Choose to enjoy the act of putting words down on paper to capture an image.
  • Choose to enjoy delving into your memories for a kernel of a story idea.
  • Choose to enjoy the process of reading back issues of magazines you want to submit to.
  • Choose to enjoy reading a book on plot or dialogue or characterization for tips you can apply to your stories.
  • Choose to be patient with your learning curve and refuse the pressure to succeed quickly.
  • Choose to be happy about each small, steady step forward.

Look at the larger picture, how each writing day is another small building block laying the foundation of your career. Stay present in the present! Pace yourself with the determined attitude of the tortoise instead of the sprinter attitude of the hare.

Commitment Versus Wishing

You also need to choose an attitude of commitment. Commit to your goals and deadlines, to continued improvement in your writing, and to dealing with negative feelings as they come up.

Commitment is more than “I wish” or “I’d like” or “I hope I can.” Commitment is “I will.” There is a huge difference! (Like the gap between a man saying, “Gee, I’d like to marry you” and “Will you marry me–here’s the ring–let’s set a date!”)

Move from the wishy-washy attitude of “I’d like to be a writer” to the commitment level of “I’ll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to be a successful writer.” [I understand that choosing your own attitudes and emotions can be difficult. If you have trouble taking charge of your emotions, you might find my “Boundaries for Writers” e-book helpful.]

(Part 3 about choices will be “Your Writing: Who’s in Charge?”)

As I mentioned before, I’ve been working hard myself to improve habits in all areas of my life, including the writing. In the last year, I’ve found these books especially helpful.

Mental Boundaries: Who's in Charge? (Part 1)

Published on by Kristi Holl

Your writing life is the sum of all the writing-related choices you make.

Choosing means to make a decision each time you come to a particular crossroads.

Most decisions are not deliberate. Instead we unconsciously follow our habits, choosing what is easiest because it’s what we’ve done for years. We choose negative thoughts about our abilities, we choose negative attitudes about our progress, and we follow with choosing negative actions (like not setting goals and not writing.)

Choice or Habit?

Although many of your choices have become automatic habits, each one is still a choice you make. [IMPORTANT NOTE: See the list at the end of this post for some excellent books on creating helpful habits so that your good choices can become automatic.]

If you want to have a successful writing career (however you define “success” for yourself), you must control the process of choosing. You must begin to notice your choices, moment by moment.

Think about what you’re thinking about! Then start making consistently better daily choices. These changes can be very small, if you make them daily. Take control of your writing life by being in charge of yourself.

Writers make critical decisions in three areas every day–sometimes every hour. Train yourself to be a close observer of your choices. You come to a fork in the road hundreds of times each day, and each time you have a choice to make. [That’s one reason why it’s easier if you establish habits in these areas. The good choices eventually become automatic.]

Beginning today, consciously choose the direction that leads to your writing goals. And that begins with your thoughts.

1: Thoughts

If you want to make changes that last, you must change the way you think. Your mental and emotional framework needs adjusting. Focus on getting your MIND moving in the right direction. The way you think will ultimately dictate your long-term success or failure.

Certain thoughts and beliefs will derail you before you even get started. (“I’m not good enough.” “I don’t have the talent I need.” “It’s who you know in this business, and I don’t know anyone important.” “I don’t have the time/energy/family support to write.”) Take time to recognize which particular issues negatively affect your choice to write.

Writer Myths

Perhaps your thoughts about writing contain a few myths that need exploring–and debunking. Do you think that you’ll be a happy writer if you just manage to get published? You might be–but probably only if you’re happy before you get published. Grumpy, negative, passive writers who achieve publication only become grumpy, negative, passive writers with a publishing credit. Publication itself won’t make you happy.

Do you think there is a magical short-cut to writing success? Are you on the constant lookout for the latest get-published-quick scheme? Do you think, if you just find the “key,” you’ll get published immediately? Although we’re a society of instant gratification promoters, it is still true that excellent writers don’t spring up overnight–they study, practice and grow. S-l-o-w-l-y.

Do you think it’s someone else’s fault that you aren’t published? Do you have a general mental habit of blaming your lack of success on others? While it’s a human tendency to do so, this kind of thinking will keep you stuck–and unpublished. Every career has obstacles to conquer on the way to success, and writing is no different. The obstacles only change from time to time. (Writers fifty years ago did not worry about their hard drives crashing or finding time for online social networking.) But writers of all ages have had barriers to overcome. At one time women writers had to disguise what they were doing–and even use a male pen name in order to get published!

Choosing Mental Boundaries

Mental boundaries determine what thoughts are allowed to set up housekeeping in your brain–and which ones are told to get lost! [If you need assistance in this area, I think you might find my “Boundaries for Writers” e-book helpful.]

Choosing your thoughts begins with noticing when a thought like this passes through your mind: (“When am I going to get published? I’ve been submitting for months and months! I should just quit!”) The second critical part is replacing that thought with one that is both true and positive. (“Getting published takes time for all new writers, and if I’m persistent and consistent in my efforts to improve and market well, I will probably get published eventually!”) At first, it’s reinforcing to say these new thoughts out loud.

(The next two posts will be on making choices in our “attitudes” and “actions.)

Resources

I’ve been working hard myself to improve habits in all areas of my life, including the writing. In the last year, I’ve found these books especially helpful.

Hopefully this blog series will prompt you to look further into this whole matter of habits. Recent research shows how habits actually change your brain. Good habits can conserve your energy and willpower for other things (like writing or enjoying life!)

 

Regain the Passion (Part 3)

Published on by Kristi Holl

(First read “Regain the Passion” Part 1 and Part 2.)

How to Regain Lost Passion
If you were passionate about your writing in the past, but haven’t felt that way for a long time, there is a definite sadness mixed in with the lethargy. It feels like falling out of love, and in a very real sense, it is.

Can you stir up the fires of passion for your writing? Can you fall in love with writing and your work again, when all seems dry as dust and just as tasteless?

Yes!

Surprising Sources
Years ago, I struggled with this question, slowly becoming afraid that the boredom and apathy were permanent. I tried to muster some enthusiasm for my book-in-progress, whose deadline was fast approaching, but to no avail.

It wasn’t the book manuscript itself. I knew it was finely plotted, with well placed clues and plenty of tension. The problem wasn’t in the manuscript—it was in me.

Unexpected Lesson

I found the answer to the problem one cold, snowy morning, and it came from the most unlikely source: my dog. We’d had freezing conditions for several days, cutting short my walks with Rhett (my black Lab.) I chained him outside for the day, then hurried back indoors. Playtime was cut short—it was just too cold and windy for me.

I paid little attention to Rhett during that week, although I’d loved him passionately since bringing him home from the pound ten months earlier. As the frigid week wore on, and the weather stayed miserable, I began to resent having a dog. I hated going out in the weather to his snug dog house, carrying water so often because his dish froze over. I became apathetic about Rhett—he was getting to be more trouble than he was worth.

Then one day the sun came out, melted the snow, and temperatures soared. I put Rhett on his leash and took an hour-long walk, complete with Puppy Biscuit rewards for correct sitting, heeling and staying. When we got home, I chained him outside near his food and water, then stayed to play.

I petted, I stroked, I laughed, I cooed. (If you’ve never been a dog owner, you may need to gag here.) Anyone watching me that morning could see I had regained my passion for owning a dog.

Simple Formula
I’m sure you see the parallels. Regaining passion for your work can be accomplished the same way:
A. Pay attention to your work. Think about it when you’re not at your desk. Mull over your theme. Ponder plot points. Have mental conversations with your characters.
B. Take care of your work. Feed it with quotes and good resource books. Do in-depth research and interviews. Immerse yourself in your subject matter.
C. Spend time with your work. Daily, if possible. If you want passion to ignite in anything (a relationship, your work, a hobby) you must spend consistent—and sufficient—time with it. We understand this principle in romantic relationships, but it’s just as true with your writing.

Don’t Settle
Part of the enjoyment of being a writer is the pure passion and pleasure of setting words on paper. Don’t settle for ho-hum, apathetic work. Instead take the necessary steps to revive your passion for writing.

Do it as often as necessary to keep that spark of joy alive!

Regain the Passion (Part 2)

Published on by Kristi Holl

(Read Part 1 of Regain the Passion first.)

When does passion flourish? Under what conditions?

First, a writer’s passion is generally at its highest point when life is going well. (Big surprise!) When relationships are smooth, health is good, there’s enough money to pay the bills, the writer is following a healthy diet and getting sufficient sleep: these are the optimal conditions.

Whatever is draining your passion first needs to be attended to, thoroughly and persistently. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always bring back the passion. It simple sets the stage, giving yourself the optimal environment for your resurrected passion to grow.

Habits of a Passionate Writer
How do you recognize passion for writing? Yes, it’s a feeling, but it’s so much more.

Each writer will exhibit certain habits when she is being passionate about her writing. These habits are individual and personal. Take a moment to make a list of habits that (to you) marks a writer as passionate.

To me, a passionate writer:
A. writes, almost daily.
B. listens, observes and thinks—alert to her surroundings.
C. carries a notebook everywhere to jot down impressions, descriptions and ideas.
D. journals—daily, if possible.
E. is focused—begins and continues her writing with energy.
F. reads other good children’s books, both current and classics.
G. keeps up with professional reading.
H. shares her enthusiasm at conferences and workshops (but doesn’t over-schedule such events so they don’t interfere with writing).
I. leads a more secluded life than the average person, in order to nurture and explore her talent.
J. is physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy.
K. Most of all, passionate writers are 24-hour-a-day writers. Even when washing dishes or cutting grass, the passionate writer’s work is close at hand, on the edges of her mind. Everything she does is writing-related and life-related, so that her work and her life are inseparable.

What did I leave out? What additional things are on your list? (Next time we’ll talk about practical ways to get the passion back.)

Regain the Passion

Published on by Kristi Holl

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re half-way through a short story revision, or the rough draft of your novel, or the research for a biography—and without warning, you lose your desire for the project. The passion evaporates.

You feel lethargic, sad, and brain dead (or least oxygen deprived.) You put your writing away for a few days, hoping it’s hormonal or a phase of the moon or post-holiday blues.

After Some Time…

However, when you dig it out again, it’s even worse. It doesn’t grab you. You’re sure it won’t grab anyone else either! It’s boring. It goes back in the drawer.

Unfortunately, over the next few weeks, the situation worsens. Lethargy turns to apathy. Boredom turns to dislike. You face the fact that, for some reason, you’ve lost your burning desire to write this story—or maybe even write anything at all.

Without the passion, why bother to endure the long hours, the potential rejection of your work, and the low pay? Perhaps the bigger question is this: once it’s lost, how do you recapture your passion for writing?

What is Passion?
The question is summed up well by Hal Zina Bennett in Write from the Heart:

“How do authors connect with that passion, bordering on obsession, that drives them to finish even the most ambitious writing projects in spite of seemingly insurmountable handicaps? What is the secret creative energy that the world’s best writers can apparently zap into action the moment their fingers touch their keyboards?”

Some say this passion is tied to how meaningful the writer feels his work is. He feels passion when what he is sharing is deeply meaningful. He may lose his passion when his writing turns into

  • what will sell
  • what the markets dictate are current trends
  • what pays the most money.

Eric Maisel in A Life in the Arts says,

“The most salient difference between the regularly blocked artist and the regularly productive artist may not be the greater talent of the latter, but the fact that the productive artist possesses and retains his missionary zeal.”

Most writers would agree that a passion for writing involves enthusiasm, excitement, drive, and a deep love for your work. This passion makes writing a joyous occupation. It makes time fly while “real life” is shoved to the far comers of the mind. It’s being in the flow, enraptured in the present moment. For some, it’s being aware that they’re writers twenty-four hours a day.

Why Does Passion Dissipate?
Passion can spring a leak after too many rejection slips, too many critical comments from spouses or reviewers or critique partners, and too many crises to handle in your personal life. Passion can also die when you repeat yourself in your work instead of exploring new avenues of writing.

Lack of passion can also be caused by chronic fatigue.

“Fatigue and the accompanying blockage also come with living the sort of marginal life that artists so often live,” says Eric Maisel. “The effort required to put food on the table, to deal with an illness without benefit of a hospital plan, to pay the rent, to get a toothache treated, to attend to the needs of a spouse or children, can tire out the most passionate and dedicated artist.”

Do YOU sometimes struggle with this issue? Please leave a comment! (Parts 2 and 3 will discuss ways to get the passion back!)

The Writing Season

Published on by Kristi Holl

My daughter’s expecting her second baby any day now, and it’s fun watching her during this “nesting” season.

Today it struck me how much her preparations for a new life are like those plans made by writers who want to write for a lifetime.

Having babies takes serious preparation. So does having a writing career.

Time to Make Changes

My daughter’s changes have included preparing the baby’s room and getting the baby equipment out of storage. With the first baby, she read many books to prepare. She handed over a ministry at church that she ran (and loved), but felt she couldn’t devote enough time to after the baby was born. And she stopped working, something they had been budgeting for. (Bless her husband.)

Writing Season Preparation

If you want to be successful at your writing and even turn it into a career, you’ll need to make similar changes. Study books by writers who have traveled the path you want to take. The easiest change you’ll make is setting up a writing space (whether it’s a spare room or just a corner of the bedroom) and acquiring the proper equipment (computer, printer, Internet access).

You may have to give up some volunteer activities for a while, or cut back (or cut out) certain hobbies. For a while, maybe you can’t plant huge gardens or run marathons or belong to three book clubs. You may also hope to quit your day job. If that’s the case, you’ll need to do like my son-in-law and have a strict budget (probably for years) to prepare for the income cut.

It’s Temporary

My daughter’s nesting season didn’t last forever the first time. One day when she was an old hand at the skills she’d acquired to balance home and baby, she slowly began to add some “extras” back into her life. Maybe not everything, but some things she missed the most.

Likewise, the things you give up so you have time to devote to your writing is for a season. Once you have the writing skills well in hand, you will be able to slowly add back into your life a few of the things you miss most. But give sufficient time to your “writing season” first. You’ll be glad you did!

What part of the writing season are YOU in? Cutting things out to make time? Adding things back in? What has been the hardest part?

Nourish Your Writer's Soul with Spontaneous Combustion

Published on by Kristi Holl

For the past month, I have been choosing what Nancy Butts calls “activities that nourish your writer’s soul” (from Spontaneous Combustion: A Writer’s Primer for Creative Revival by Nancy.)

In fact, one of the activities I do each day, before I work on my novel, is to read half a chapter or so of Nancy’s book. (Chapters are fairly short.)

It’s much like having a dear writing friend right there beside you who GETS the writing life.

Why Write if Nobody’s Buying?

Even after you are published–maybe even published multiple times by traditional publishers–you’ll hit dry periods. Very dry periods where no one wants to buy from you.

I’ve been there a couple of times, each discouraging period lasting several years.

When it happens to you–not IF–will you quit? Will you hang in there a bit–and then quit? Or will you be like Barbara Pym, someone Nancy suggests should be the patron saint of writers.

After reading Barbara’s story, I have to agree. And with Nancy’s permission, it is reprinted below. Enjoy it–and let it inspire you.

Nourish Your Writer’s Soul

In the 1950s, Pym published six novels: quietly comic books about the lives of spinsters and curates in English villages. She was well-reviewed, had a body of loyal readers, and seemed to enjoy a solid working relationship with her publisher.

Then in 1963 she submitted her seventh novel— and despite her fans, her good reviews, and her history with the publisher, they refused to print it, saying it was out of step with the times. She revised and resubmitted it, and they rejected it again. She submitted it elsewhere, twenty times. And twenty times it was rejected.

Pym was living through a writer’s ultimate nightmare. The people whose opinions she valued— upon whom her very existence as a writer depended— no longer respected her work. She was devastated by this experience. “I get moments of gloom and pessimism when it seems as if nobody could ever like my kind of writing again….” she wrote in 1970. 

Note two things about this quote. Though it was seven years after that painful first rejection from her own publisher, Pym was still writing, despite her despair. She continued to believe in the worth and value of her writing even when no one else did. She continued to write.

That’s why I’ve nominated her as our patron saint.  

Another nine years went by. Pym was diagnosed with breast cancer and went to live with her sister in a small village, and she continued writing, despite the fact that no one wanted to publish what she wrote.  

Bear with me: there is a gloriously happy ending to this tale. In 1977, sixteen years after Pym entered what she called “the wilderness,” two other British writers named her as the most under-rated novelist of 20th century England in an article in the London Times literary supplement.  

It helps to have friends in high places. That same year, Macmillan bought her novel A Quartet in Autumn for publication; it made the short list for the Booker Prize. A second novel followed in 1978, and then a US publisher “discovered” her, and all her works were made available   for the first time to American readers.

It is Pym’s setbacks, not her success, that make her a hero. I call her a literary saint because even in the darkest of times, she was able to show the rest of us the truth and wisdom of this:

Take your writing seriously— even when nobody else does.

Especially when nobody else does.

 So when you can’t remember why you’re bothering to write, think of Pym.

 

 

 

 

 

Journal Through the Summer (Part 2)

Published on by Kristi Holl

(First read Journal Through the Summer–Part 1) Journaling has many purposes and uses–and here are some more!

*********************

Journaling Dreams

Journal through your summer by exploring your dreams and daydreams. Give yourself free rein to imagine the kind of life you’d love to live. No restrictions. Journal about where you’d like to live, things you’d like to experience, new foods you’d like to eat, different hobbies you’d like to try. Let your mind wander off onto all sorts of delightful tangents, then capture those daydreams in a journal.

You’ll begin to notice common threads. Perhaps you’ll discover all your daydreams cen­ter around creating more simplicity in your life. Perhaps they express a need for more adven­ture. Perhaps they’ll uncover a buried dream or goal from long ago. Slow down, and take the time to get to know yourself again.

Journaling Creativity

Use a summer journal to explore more facets of your creativity. Perhaps you’ve written and published numerous nonfiction pieces. In your journal, experiment with poetry. Draw a pic­ture. Write an essay or a fairy tale. Create some song lyrics. Write a fantasy story if you’ve always written modern-day thrillers. You may be surprised to uncover hidden talents in areas you never explored before.

Use a summer journal to take snapshots. In addition to using a camera, use your jour­nal. After you snap a picture of Grandma reading to your son, write a journal entry describ­ing the scene. Be liberal with sensory descriptions, and use all your senses. Describe the lilt in Grandma’s voice, the tattered childhood book, the creaking of the rocking chair, your son’s terrycloth sleeper, how he curls into her bent arm. Capture memories with the sensations of the moment. I intend to keep a journal when my daughter’s new baby arrives in a few weeks. I’ll take a million pictures, but I also want a written account of those first days and weeks of the baby’s life. It will contain treasured memories to enjoy myself and share with others.

Switch Gears

If this summer’s crowded calendar has you throwing up your hands and walking away from your computer for a season, take heart. Your writing isn’t over for the summer. Instead, switch gears. Buy a notebook and pen, and this year journal your way through your summer.

Has this summer journaling idea given YOU any ideas of how you can use your summer “chaos” to further your writing?