writing

Who Should You Trust?

Published on by Kristi Holl

If you have experienced betrayal as an adult, or abuse as a child, trust is a big, scary deal. You are a rare person if, in today’s world, you don’t have trust issues.

  • Who can you trust?
  • Who shouldn’t you trust?
  • What are the signs?
  • If someone is sorry for betrayal, does that make them trustworthy?
  • Can broken trust be fixed?

Help is On the Way

I very, very rarely write a book recommendation after only reading an Introduction and the first chapter, but Dr. Henry Cloud’s newest book (to be released the end of March) is one such book.

It’s called TRUST: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken.

Few authors’ books have been as life-changing for me as Henry Cloud’s books, starting in the early 90s with the Boundaries books, and now his podcasts and classes on Boundaries.me. He writes on topics close to my heart (and millions of other people’s). If you pre-order Trust, you will receive two great bonuses: the introduction and first chapter of the new book, plus an excellent PDF download to help you apply the first chapter right away.

Repairing Broken Trust

If you’ve ever been deeply hurt in a relationship, you may simply have a life-long issue with trusting even trustworthy people. If so, the first chapter and study workbook alone will help considerably! (Working through the exercises in the downloaded workbook has already helped me with a troublesome issue!)  

Do you want to build solid, healthy relationships because you can assess people effectively before you trust them? Do you want to know why and how trust is broken? Can you learn to repair valuable relationships that fall prey to misunderstanding or miscommunication? Do you want every aspect of your life and relationships to work? Then order Henry Cloud’s new book ASAP.

[And if you’re a writer who has boundary problems with the people in your life, grab a free copy now of my e-book, Boundaries for Writers.]

Cure Procrastination with Post-It Notes

Published on by Kristi Holl

When I hit a slump, or my mind is ruminating on a problem, or maybe I just don’t feel like writing anymore, I pause. I breathe. Then I peruse the colored Post-It notes scattered around my desk.

Truth in a Nutshell

Some are quotes from books I’ve read. Others are catchy sayings from a podcast or a sermon. Their wisdom is often enough to nudge my thinking back into a constructive channel.

When my desktop gets too cluttered, I gather them up. Then I tape them in a spiral sketchbook and start over collecting bits of wisdom. Many of the sayings will make great themes or bits of dialogue later.

Notes on my Desk Today

“Each morning, peace arrives at your door in the form of your choices.”

“One of the best ways to be patient (while waiting for something) is to keep your mind FOCUSED on what you are currently doing.”

“Courage: any forward motion in the face of fear.”

“What you focus on the most GROWS.”

“Know your peace stealers. Stop allowing yourself to be agitated and disturbed.” (John 14:27 AMPC)

What about YOU?

Do you have a note to yourself on your desk or computer screen that cheers you on? I’d love to have you share! And if you need more quick ideas to cure distractions, try these Cures for Procrastinators in One Minute Flat.

Mind the Gap!

Published on by Kristi Holl

goal gap

I love the ringing sound of “Mind the Gap!” when British train doors slide open at a station platform.

“Mind the Gap!” is an audible (or visual) warning. It’s issued to rail passengers to take caution while crossing the space between the train door and the station platform.

“Mind the Gap!”

The phrase was first introduced in 1968 on the London Underground. But when I see my “Mind the Gap” mug on my writing desk, it means something different. I look at where I am in my goal (writing, marketing, or a health challenge) and where I want to be (the dreamed-of finished manuscript, increased social marketing numbers, or a healed lower back).

Then I calculate the distance from Point A to Point B. That’s the gap. 

Making the Leap

If you fearfully procrastinate stepping off the train (with rolling luggage bumping along behind), you risk getting caught in the closing door or being run over by passengers behind you. Conversely, if you move too fast, without truly calculating the gap, you can guage it wrong and step down into it instead of over it, breaking an ankle. So minding the gap is critical. 

It’s critical with your story too. When a writer procrastinates too long on finishing a story, a similar story can be published by a faster writer overtaking us. But moving fast before assessing how much revision your work-in-progess still needs is risky too. It can result in your manuscript disappearing in an editor’s Inbox or sinking out of sight on the date of publication.

Someone to Stand in the Gap

Years ago, when my four children went back to school in the fall, I also felt energized and motivated. I bought new school supplies for my writing office, then took a good (compassionate) look at my current novel. Where was I? Where did I want to be?

If I can help you get off the writing train and land sure-footed on the station platform, I’d be happy to do it. Check out my critiques page for fall openings, plus a “back to school” price cut for September.

Your Unique Writing Gift

Published on by Kristi Holl

If you lack confidence in your writing ability… If you doubt that you have anything unique to say to a reader… If you think it doesn’t matter if you share your writing with the world, you’ll want to read this.

Your Writing is Unique

Last week when in Waco, TX, I visited the beautiful Homestead Heritage craft-based community. I found a book there called Write Words: the Grace of Writing by Blair Adams.

If you doubt that you have anything unique to share with the world through your writing, this quote might well change your mind.

You speak with a unique voice that comes from a unique perspective. Just as each person possesses a one-of-a-kind speaking voice, so each possesses just such a writing “voice.” … “if a reader says, ‘That sounds just likeyou,’ take it as a first-rate compliment. No one else experiences the world from precisely the same intersection of relationships and events, from the same angle of vision. No one else has journeyed through the same life. That life has shaped your focus on the world to give you special insights and perspectives, a special mix of knowledge and experience, information and relationships, victories and defeats, joys and sorrows, hopes and dreams. All these enable you to view and understand the world in a particular way. This unique way of seeing and saying means that from experiences re-created in written words, you can uncover and disclose insights and perspectives that will otherwise be lost to the world forever.”

Lost to the world forever: that’s what will happen if you give up on your writing projects. Don’t quit! Don’t let your work be lost to the world forever.

You would be missed.

Getting Unstuck after 2020

Published on by Kristi Holl

After losing two family members in the pandemic, I had a month-long severe reaction this spring to my second Covid shot. When I resurfaced, feeling practically comatose, I was behind on one Christmas mystery book deadline and a novel (set in 1850s England.) None of my decades-old “get started” techniques worked, which induced a near panic.

But one day I heard a podcast. (Details are included at the end.) Did you know that we have 60,000-70,000 thoughts per day? Roughly 95% of the thoughts are repetitive and unconscious. Only 5% of our daily thoughts are conscious and new. The negative ones, both conscious and unconscious, keep us stuck.

“Be transformed by the renewal of your mind,” the Bible urges. To do that, we need to first notice the conscious negative thoughts that keep us stuck. (Mine included “I’m too old for this.” “There’s not enough time.” “I’m too tired to even start.”) Then you grab a pencil and paper and ask yourself the following questions.

Unstuck with Five Magical Questions

  1. If I feel overloaded, what would it take for this task to be easy? What would have to change for this situation to be simplified? I asked this when I felt overwhelmed, whether I needed to outline my cozy mystery or put away Christmas decorations. Sometimes the answer was to cut the goal into tiny pieces to make it easy. Or I deleted the task, or delegated it, or postponed it because it wasn’t critical. Sometimes I  rearranged my schedule to eliminate overload. (I felt every bit as overloaded as this sheep!)
  2. What is an improvement I’m willing to make? The smaller, the better, if you want to get moving quickly. Maybe I can’t write for an hour, but I’m willing to write ten minutes. I can’t walk three miles today, but I’m willing to walk around the block. I don’t want to stick to my diet today, but I’m willing to cut this candy bar in half. Small steps lead to larger ones.
  3. What perspective would I need in order to feel different? I use this question when I want to change my fearful, doubtful, or pessimistic mood. My change in perspective often includes a particular Bible verse that speaks to my need. Then I can look at my situation from a better point of view instead of my own limited one.
  4. In this particular situation, where do I need to be a little more patient, and where do I need to push a little harder? I ask the question, sit quietly, and listen. You’ll know if you need to rest more and be patient with healing, or if you actually are loafing and need to push yourself a bit.
  5. What is the difference between a true solution and a distraction? When I’m tired or discouraged, what actually renews my energy, a nap or a pint of ice cream? When I’m behind on a deadline and fighting panic, is watching a British movie a solution, or is it a distraction? The real self-care task isn’t always the most appealing choice. But it will be a true solution.

Questions for Every Season of Your Life

These powerful questions turned out to be so helpful that I taped the list in several places: beside my computer, in my daily planner, and in my prayer journal. They help me every day—not just in my writing, but in my food choices, exercise, home care, and when my grandkids are here.

Questions are a great way to use the 5% of our thoughts we have control over! Bring God into the process. Then the answers you receive will fit your personality, goals, and season in life.

More Help to Get Unstuck

(Taken in part from “Ten Questions that Change Everything” by Primal Potential podcaster, Elizabeth Benton; my post was first published on the National ACFW blog.)

Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results from Atomic Habits

Published on by Kristi Holl

A new book was released officially today that I hope every one of you will buy. A couple of weeks ago, I received and listened to an early audio recording of Atomic Habits by James Clear. And I’m eager to read it when my hard copy arrives today. 

James Clear’s work has been covered by dozens of major media outlets including The New York Times, Entrepreneur, TIME, and on CBS This Morning. His work scientifically backs up his premise that it’s not your goals that help you achieve your dreams. It’s the daily (often tiny) incremental habits of the systems you have in place.

If you’re having trouble changing your habits, the problem isn’t you. The problem is your system. Bad habits repeat themselves again and again, not because you don’t want to change, but because you have the wrong system for change. As Clear puts it,

“I believe that you do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

Practical Advice that Works!

If you want to have a steady writing career or want to accomplish anything that requires daily good behavior, do check out James Clear. I have read his excellent articles for years, including his free 45-page Transform Your Habits: The Science of How to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones e-book. I went through his Habits Academy classes last year, which were excellent.

Atomic Habits is the culmination of his years of studying what works–and what doesn’t–when building habits that will give you the kind of life you yearn for. And he shows you how just like the book’s subtitle says: with tiny changes that yield remarkable results.

 

 

Focus Shift: Photoshop Your Moods!

Published on by Kristi Holl

In addition to a Covid family death, I lost two friends in December, plus my last (and favorite) uncle. The focus was on grieving, plus a severe autoimmune flare-up it caused.

With Christmas around the corner, I found it difficult to feel the joy of the season. And writing? That felt out of the question, so my work-in-progress languished. Everywhere I turned were reminders of loss and the pain of suffering loved ones left behind. It seemed there was little I could do but pray and endure and pretend to be happy, so that I didn’t dampen anyone else’s holidays.

But there was more I could do, which I learned inadvertently from my teenage granddaughter, Abby. She’s taking dozens of my W.I.P. England photos, resizing and refocusing them for use in blogs, plus Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest posts. I watched her change photos from bright and cheery to somber and shadowy, in keeping with my mystery series.

Photoshop Your Days

Abby was taking reality (the amateur photos I took), and either brightening or darkening the mood by what she chose to emphasize. So, I tried it myself, experimenting with a Yorkshire Dales graveyard photo (shown first below.) Using cropping and blurring and tints and hues, I brightened the mood (the second photo) and then used the same techniques in reverse to darken the mood (the third photo.)

Here is a shift away from the darker elements to a brighter spot in the photo. Definitely a cheerier mood.

Here is a shift in focus again, but this time ignoring the brighter spots, but focusing on the somber, darker elements.

A light dawned. Could I finagle with my own downcast soul in the same way I adjusted the photos? Could I take the circumstances of loss and sickness—the true snapshot of my current life—and adjust my mood by choosing what to focus on? What could I crop out that wasn’t helpful to focus on? Could I brighten the tone? What heightened contrast would give a truer perspective?

Focus on Eternal Truths

Yes, the truth was that those were sad days. But what else was true? These loved ones were out of pain now. I trusted that I’d see them again one day. True, I felt unwell, but thanks to Covid isolation, I was already expert at ordering food via Instacart. So two Christmas dinners arrived with all the prep work done. And since I love Christmas music and movies, I filled the empty spaces with more intentional joy. It was Philippians 4:8 in action.

But in addition to changing the focus to things that were true and uplifting and kind, I had to crop out a few things from the current picture. First was to stop thinking about negative events in the world and in the extended family that, beyond fervently praying, I couldn’t change. I reviewed my old copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to remind myself what problems I was responsible for, and which problems in the extended family I clearly was not responsible for fixing. And stepping back to view the whole situation made it look much less disheartening.

Making these seemingly small changes reminded me of another book on my shelves, The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time by Alex Korb, PhD. According to science, these small “photo app” changes  shift brain chemistry from depression to hopeful joy. I even read some of my own blog posts, like From Panic to Focus: Save Your Writing Project and Find Your Focus: Stick to the ONE Thing.

So, if your 2021 New Year looks less joyous than in previous years (for any reason), don’t despair. Do some creative cropping, change your focus, and brighten the picture. Watch how you are transformed by the renewing of your mind!

[Originally published January 3, 2021, on the American Christian Fiction Writers blog]

Procrastination is a Symptom, Not the Problem

Published on by Kristi Holl

A procrastination cure: all writers want one!

I’ve read many books over the years on this subject, but none better than The Now Habit by Neil Fiore. I’ve worn out a paperback, I listen to my Audible copy of it as a refresher, and recently I bought a set of Now Habit Motivation Cards.

Why? Because I forget what I know!

So I get stuck, feel overwhelmed, blame myself for STILL dealing with procrastination, and then frequently eat a snack and find something on Netflix. That is, I USED to do this, and fairly frequently too.

Trying Something New to Beat Procrastination

Lately I’ve chosen one card from the motivation pack each morning, read it, then reviewed that card several times throughout the day. It reminds me of things I already know (but have temporarily forgotten), especially the practical “fixes” and easy solutions for my fear and feelings of pressure.

For example, here is the card that sat on my desk all day. I put in a long day copyediting, but I still needed to write a short blog and do one other writing task. I felt overwhelmed, even though what I had left to do wouldn’t take more than an hour. Then . . . I spotted the motivational card propped up against my desk lamp. This is what it says:

Generally we are taught that procrastination is the problem, rather than a symptom of other problems. This diagnosis, instead of directing your efforts toward ending the cycle of pressure, fear, and procrastination, unfortunately makes matters worse by blaming you for choosing such an awful habit. A diagnosis without a treatment plan is almost useless. A more helpful diagnosis would point you toward your next action step: Start now. Do something for five minutes.

And that’s what I did. I spent a few minutes creating a title. That’s all it took. Getting started is the tough part. Everything settled down then, I was able to say what I wanted to say, and the blog post got written.

Remind Yourself of What You Already Know

Getting started is always so much harder than continuing. An object in motion stays in motion (says Isaac Newton’s First Law of Motion), but for most writers, getting that object to move in the first place is the real trick! If that’s your challenge too, I urge you to try The Now Habit (in any of its forms.) It will break through the procrastination and get you on your way. 

Writing in the Yoke: Become an Easy Writer

Published on by Kristi Holl

We are invited to get into the yoke with Jesus to do the writing God has called us to do. (Matthew 11:28-30) This way of working promises ease and rest for our souls. However, writing with ease and a light burden was not my writing experience for 35 years (not since writing changed from hobby-writing in a closet painted orange to a means of keeping a roof over our heads). 

I had my time-tested, never-fail method to meet deadlines (claim Bible verses about strength, grit teeth, white knuckle it and “just do it!” ) However, almost a year ago, my method stopped working. There were many factors. Even before dealing with Covid, life had become one thing piled on top of another to the point that, unless I discovered a much easier writing method, I would need to quit. Retire. Pack it in.

I couldn’t stand the idea. I loved the project I was working on, but something would have to change. One morning I was reading some familiar verses when they suddenly took on new meaning.  

Writing Made Easy

yoke“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For MY yoke is easy to bear, and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

If His yoke was easy to carry, then whose heavy yoke was I in? I needed a new working style. Could I manage to switch yokes? I needed to learn more about yokes.

Equally or Unequally Yoked?

equal yoke

Farmers know that two animals yoked together must be suited to work in tandem.  If one is big and stronger than the other, injury or failure is certain. Deuteronomy 22:10 says, “Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.” They are different both in strength and temperament.

So, at first glance, the invitation to get into the yoke with Jesus seems unworkable. None of us imagines that we are equally powerful! Actually, Jesus had in mind a different kind of yoke. They were hand-carved to fit the animals perfectly so the yoke didn’t rub and cause irritation, no matter how different the animals were in size or strength.

unequal yokeSo, in Jerusalem at the time Jesus was speaking, a yoke often did join two unequal animals for a specific purpose; one was older or stronger or wiser, and the other was young and inexperienced. The animals were yoked together so that the more experienced animal could teach the younger, weaker animal how to do the work without strain, injury and being burdened down. (A perfect description of Matt. 11:28-30.)

So how would that work for my writing? Could I learn to “write in the yoke” for the rest of my career? These promises gave me hope: “I will give you rest…you will find rest for your souls… my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

So, I have been experimenting with a writing method based on those verses. Could I write without stress and pressure and drama, but still have a peaceful rested soul?Happily, I am learning that the answer can be yes.

Types of Days in the Yoke

For me, writing in the yoke means responding to the Lord’s gentle tug or slight inner pressure to get moving—or to stop. This means writing at the Lord’s pace, because He knows what schedule works best for my health and writing.

There is a learning curve to this. I have three distinct types of “days in the yoke.” Some days my “stubborn donkey” wants to procrastinate, ignoring the tug to get writing. Resisting the gentle pull, I sometimes dig my feet in with determination. I write either with reluctance or downright resistance.

Other days my donkey over-reacts in the opposite direction. I am behind schedule, so letting the bigger animal set the pace feels too risky. I worry that the gentle steady pace can’t possibly produce the words on time! So I try to hurry Him along, push and strain, and check my watch and word count continuously.

Glorious Writing in the Yoke

Thankfully, there is a third type of day, which happens more frequently the longer you practice. These I call the Glorious Writing Days, when I get in the yoke early in the day, stay in it, and start and stop when I feel the gentle tugs and nudges. I don’t clock watch, and I don’t count words till the end of the day. Amazingly, I produce more writing (often lots of it!) but with no ill effects of physical pain or emotional exhaustion. I even quit by 5:00, something I hadn’t done in years! It produces a satisfying, contented tired feeling from being productive without hurting myself.

My experiment with “writing in the yoke” seems to be working. Slowly but surely, I am transforming from a hard-working, burned-out writer to a productive writer who can work with ease. I had prayed for years about improving my health and stamina so I would never have to retire simply because I couldn’t physically do the job anymore. Becoming an “easy writer” appears to be a very big piece of that answer.

[First published August 23, 2020 on the ACFW National website]

Find Your Focus: Stick to the ONE Thing

Published on by Kristi Holl

“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.” ~Josh Billings

This quote comes from a book I love called The ONE Thing: the Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results by Gary Keller. As I mentioned last week, after a number of back-to-back setbacks, I needed to relaunch my writing habits. It has been harder than I expected for a number of reasons.

For one thing, I had waited several months to be able to see again and also to move my right hand. So, I didn’t just get behind on my writing. In addition, I “lost sight” of a few other important goals. I was in enough pain that exercising just made the pain worse. So, I quit for a short season (which turned into a loooong season). Because I couldn’t see to drive at night for months, some events with friends and family members were canceled. 

So when I finally felt well enough to write again, I wasn’t just behind with the writing. I had gained some weight I wanted to lose and was breathless and out of shape. And, of course, I wanted to re-schedule important events with friends and family. AND THERE WASN’T TIME TO DO EVERYTHING.

Juggling MANY Things

Life is a juggling act in the best of times. But when we’re knocked out of commission for a while, due to health or family or job crises, we are eager to get caught up in all areas of our lives. In the past, I tried to ramp up performance in all areas simultaneously, becoming a writer running on adrenaline. After all, most of our dearest goals are truly important! You want to catch up on them all. And that, in turn, makes us feel overwhelmed and stuck.

The author of The ONE Thing was in a similar situation. He finally realized he couldn’t do it all, at least not at one time. He couldn’t do five things, or four, or even two–and do them really well. Not with full focus. Not with enough focus to be successful. The question he learned to ask himself repeatedly, in every situation, turned his entire life around.

What was that question?

“What’s the ONE Thing you can do, such that by doing it, everything else will be easier or unnecessary?”

Sorting It All Out

According to the1thing.com website, “Gary Keller has identified that behind every successful person is their ONE Thing. No matter how success is measured, personal or professional, only the ability to dismiss distractions and concentrate on your ONE Thing stands between you and your goals. The ONE Thing is about getting extraordinary results in every situation.” Not only does this strategy help you really focus so you can succeed, it also cuts your stress. 

To me, there’s nothing quite as stressful as jumping back and forth from one task to another on my “to do” list. I didn’t focus on my major goal—in this case, writing a book. Instead I put out fires and crossed items off my list that were either the easiest or the quickest. Many items led down rabbit trails, since answering one email usually leads to several more. Adding a short update to your Facebook page leads to scrolling, reading, commenting and liking your friends’ posts. Time is lost, and you haven’t even started your most important project.

If you’re like me, you might be saying, “But I have several very important goals. I can’t choose just one!” I understand that feeling. But focusing on one main thing is a skill we can learn. If learning how to focus on one main goal FIRST is important to you, give this book a try. In addition to much practical help in the book, the author provides free downloads, podcasts, and teachings for their “ONE Thing” method at their Resources page. 

Choosing The ONE Thing

Yes, right now I am taking small steps with an exercise program. I’ve also rescheduled smaller events with friends and family. However, I decided that my ONE thing to focus “all in” during the rest of the summer was re-establishing my writing habit and finishing a book I started months ago. To accomplish this, I am using what the author calls time blocking. So far, it’s working really well. 

In past years, my “one thing” was dealing with health issues that had stopped me cold in my writing. Once I got the autoimmune disease in remission, my “one thing” could be something else. Other years I have had 6-9 months where my “one thing” had to be working on a particular relationship that was impacting everything else in my life.   

Focusing On the Right One Thing

Usually we sense which goal is our most important one. But we can be wrong! Don’t automatically assume you know what your “one thing” is. Suppose you want to lose weight, so it seems obvious that your goal is to eat less and exercise more. But when you ask yourself the book’s key question (What’s the ONE Thing you can do, such that by doing it, everything else will be easier or unnecessary?), you might discover that actually it’s your lack of sufficient sleep leading you to not exercise, want comfort carbs at all hours, and be depressed. So, your “one thing” that would make everything easier might be going to bed every night by 10:00. It could fix a host of problems causing you to gain weight.

Take time alone to think, pray, journal, and listen for guidance when choosing your ONE thing. If you need help to identify your focused goal right now, The1Thing website has some helpful articles. Read “How to Identify What Matters Most.” Then for help implementing your plan, see “Revisiting Your System for Time Blocking.” 

Then you’ll be like a postage stamp. You’ll stick to one thing until you successfully get there.