writing life

When Your Writer’s Personality is Rejected

Published on by Kristi Holl

The post below about a writer’s personality ran six years ago, and something happened this past week that reminded me of how much we need other writers. I am blessed to have two such people as close friends: one who is my age and in relatively the same stage in life, and one who is 15 years older, who has weathered tougher times than I have and still kept her marvelous sense of humor. I hope to be like her someday. However, the first 2/3 of my writing life wasn’t like that, and I felt truly alone in this venture. If that sounds like you, read on (including the comments which I saved.) When I say that “we’re all in this together,” I mean it.

*******

If you’ve studied personality types, you may have noticed how many writers have a good dose of the Melancholy Temperament.

Some of the signs:

  • You’re sensitive to your own feelings plus the vibes given off by others.
  • You notice things that go over the heads of others.
  • You love solitude—and need it to feel sane and calm.
  • You like to think, and think deeply.
  • You may be more of an observer at parties, avoiding the limelight if possible.

All those traits help your writing immensely. Other writers will love those traits in you.

Unwelcome Personality

Be warned, however. Many people in your life won’t like some of your creative personality. When that happens, it will feel like another form of rejection.

I was reminded of this when re-reading a terrific book called The Soul Tells a Story by Vinita Hampton Wright. Here’s what  the author has to say about this:

“My gifts were always welcomed and encouraged in my family, church, and school communities. What was not welcomed was the personality from which those gifts spring. I was moody, easily depressed and extremely introverted. I had no social skills, was too honest when I talked, and didn’t know anything about flirtation or other forms of politics.” She added that she had “an overriding sense that people didn’t accept me as I was. I would be told to stop having a long face, that I should smile more, that I should be more outgoing…that to be inward was to be self-centered.”

If you have some Melancholy Temperament, and you also grew up in a dysfunctional environment, your personality traits may be even more pronounced.

Finding a Kindred Personality

I could really identify with Ms. Wright’s words. All my life I’ve been told that I think too much. So my best friend (a non-writer) shocked me when we first met. She said, “I like that you read a lot and think deeply.” She does too—and we bonded for life! You need to have such kindred souls in your life–even one will do.

I’m not saying we never need to change. And I’m not suggesting that you announce to your family “I’m moody because I’m a writer, so get over it” or snarl “Go away and leave me ALONE because I’m an introvert” or tell people off because you are honest.

On the other hand, stop tying yourself into a pretzel to be what someone else thinks you should be.

Be Grateful for Your Writer’s Personality

I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to “undo” my writer’s personality, not realizing what it was (or that it was part of a gift). You may find that there are few people that you can be your unvarnished self with. (I am blessed with a best friend, a dear sister, and another writer who let me relax and say whatever is on my mind and never judge or reject me. If you have even ONE person in your life where you can do that, you are blessed.)

With everyone else, I tone down the tell-it-like-it-is honesty, and I smile whether I want to or not. I developed social tricks to get others to talk so I didn’t have to. I’ve dumped my “unacceptable” feelings into journals for nearly thirty years.

I might not be as brave as some of you. Or maybe I’m just old enough to be too tired to deal with people who don’t understand me and don’t want to try. It stirs up exhausting discussions that go nowhere. I’d rather save that energy for my writing.

Put Your Writer’s Personality to Good Use

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t stuff things till I implode. (I used to–bad for the blood pressure!) Instead, I pour those in-your-face honest feelings into my fiction and nonfiction. I let characters say things I don’t say anymore. I tend to create characters that feel like they’re out of the mainstream socially. And I love characters who are sensitive and probably think too much.

Ms. Wright says: “Creativity takes you places that are weird to others. Don’t be surprised when others reject you for being different, asking too many questions or expressing yourself in ways that are unfamiliar to them.”

You’re not alone if you get this type of reaction fairly often. Just be sure to hang out with people—like me—who will value your writer’s personality. They’re out there. Look for them, and don’t stop till you find one. I was in my late 30s before I found a truly kindred soul.

When you find someone who likes your writer’s personality, you may find out that they’re undercover writers as well. If so, you’re doubly blessed.

If you’ve ever felt this way, please leave a comment! You’re among friends here! [NOTE: I understand that a security issue has blocked comments. I have a “work order” into Sucuri to get it fixed, in case you try to post and can’t. Argh!]

Fight Back: The Importance of Reading and Writing Fiction

Published on by Kristi Holl

Not everyone understands why we love to read fiction. With a sniff and upturned nose, it has been called a “waste of time” by many. And when we first begin writing fiction, we may also have trouble justifying using precious free time “just to write stories.”

Reading is more acceptable to some if you read nonfiction. After all, you’re learning something. You’re stretching your mind. You aren’t wasting time on “mindless entertainment.”

However, if you write fiction, some people are not as understanding, especially if they don’t read it themselves. I once had someone close to me say that I only made up stories because I couldn’t handle the real world. That stunned me and hurt, but part of me wondered if there was a grain of truth there.

I both read fiction and wrote fiction because I wasn’t too happy at the time with my real world. I did read to escape (and I had since childhood). And it’s true that for many years, I used stories to right some wrongs and make life turn out the way I wanted it to (e.g. reconciled relationships, or nailing the bad guy, or solving a problem.) I know that “they say” not to write fiction with a message, but those middle-grade novels won the most awards and generated the most letters from children, so not everyone agrees.

Is Reading and Writing Fiction Valuable?

I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I knew instinctively that there were VERY GOOD REASONS for both reading fiction and writing it. I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn’t wasting time. I knew that I had learned some of life’s most valuable lessons from good stories, lessons that stuck with me much longer than any self-help reading I had done. I sensed that I was doing something good that had value, both for myself (when reading) and for others (through writing fiction).

I wondered if others had the same questions and concerns. A quick search online found dozens of articles on the benefits of reading fiction. So if you question the deep importance of reading or writing the stories you love, check out a few of the articles listed below. You’ll be reassured. And you’ll be eager to open that novel at bedtime or tackle another chapter on your work-in-progress.

Reading and writing fiction is NOT a waste of time. Far from it! 

For Your Reading Pleasure 

If you still have doubts about the importance of reading fiction or writing fiction, ponder these ideas:

  1. The Surprising Power of Reading Fiction: 9 Ways it Make Us Happier and More Creative
  2. 5 Surprising Ways Reading Fiction Benefits Your Mental Health
  3. The Benefits of Reading Literary Fiction That You May Not Know
  4. 10 Reasons Christians Should Read Fiction
  5. Why Christians Should Read More Fiction
  6. Why Reading Literary Fiction is Good for You

Writing á la Pavlov

Published on by Kristi Holl

In previous weeks I’ve shared why I went AWOL for months, the need to rest, reflect and realign, how to re-figure your writing output, and how to avoid burnout in the first place.

What if you’re ready to write again?

You may not have hours every day to write, or you may have tight deadlines. So you need to make the most of your time. And that means getting started quickly. 

Write on Cue

A jump-starting activity is something that makes your brain realize immediately that “now it’s time to write!” If Pavlov’s dogs could be trained to salivate at the ringing of a bell, I thought surely I could learn to write on command.

Rituals and Routines

I’ve always loved reading about other writers’ rituals, the things they do to “prime the pump” for writing. I never felt much need–nor wanted to use the writing time–to do much of that myself. The writing exercises would take me 30-60 minutes and Julia Cameron’s morning pages took me an hour. (I consider myself a pretty fast writer, but most of the things that “only take 10-15 minutes” take me considerably longer–including these blog posts.)

What I needed, I realized, was a short cue along the lines of the ringing bell for Pavlov’s dog. I needed something to trigger an automatic writing response–and it needed to be something I could do at home, on the road, or when staying with my grandkids.

Time-Tested Help

If your writing time is short–and you need to get started quickly–here are some rituals and routines that other writers have used:

  • Light a special lamp or candle
  • Put on a particular kind of music that works for you (Lyrics? Instrumental?)
  • Prayer, meditation and/or affirmations for writers
  • Hot tea or hot chocolate
  • Eat a banana or apple or something healthy
  • A short walk–ten minutes or so
  • Stack dishwasher, pick up house (Some writers do this for their jumpstart, but it doesn’t appeal to me!)

Again, I needed short things to do. The danger is always that the ritual takes over your whole writing time. If you have all day to write, that’s a different ball game. You can take a whole hour to get started, if you want to.

Make a List

It’s a good idea to have a number of rituals to choose from too. “Create as many practices as you can, because sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t,” says Vinita Hampton Wright in The Soul Tells a Story: Engaging Creativity with Spirituality in the Writing Life. “Their effectiveness will vary. When one thing doesn’t help so much, go to something else…adapting practices according to the season of the year.”

This makes sense to me. While in the winter, a good cup of hot chocolate is perfect, during hot Texas summers, it’s about the last thing you want. I think a written list posted near my writing space would be a good idea too. I might have a whole list of rituals to choose from, but so often when I try to think of one, they all escape me.

If you want to read more about the power of these little habits, see a book by Mason Curry called Daily Rituals: How Artists Work. In the book 161 artists, writers, and other creative types give insights into the specific rituals they use to get the creative juices flowing on command.

And doesn’t that sound appealing?

Honor the Writing Process

Published on by Kristi Holl

Every piece of new writing is a voyage into the unknown. There are things you can do that help the writing process–many things! There are just as many that dishonor the writing process.

[Reminder: While writing in England, I am re-posting favorite articles from the past. This one from four years ago still helps me today!]

Wiser published writers than I am often say, “You have to honor the process.” What does that mean exactly? I think it means you have to accept the complexity of writing, how it happens for you, and what you need in order to nurture the process. (Simple example: If you know you need seven hours of sleep in order to write well the next morning, you honor the process when you go to bed early enough to sleep those hours. You dishonor your writing process by staying up till all hours and arriving at the keyboard the next morning in a mental fog.)

Ways You Dishonor the Process

There are many ways we unknowingly and accidentally dishonor the writing process. We may:

  • get a great idea for a story, but wait until we have time later to write it down, and when “later” comes, we can’t remember it.
  • rush into writing a rough draft before we’ve given the idea time to gestate.
  • tolerate habits detrimental to our health.
  • allow such critical voices in our heads that everything we write sounds like rubbish, so we give up in discouragement.

We all probably dishonor our writing process in different ways, depending on personalities.

Ways You Honor the Process

If you wanted to honor the writing process, you might:

In Deep Writing, Eric Maisel made this observation:

“I hope that you’ll take seriously the notion that you can help or harm the writing process and that, in a corner of awareness, you already know which of the two you are doing… When you find the courage to explore your own truth about honoring and dishonoring the process, some writing successes are bound to happen.”

What about you? In what ways do you honor the writing process? Make one small change today that honors your writing. (And then, tomorrow, make another one!)

Settling In to Write

Published on by Kristi Holl

Time to write.

Last week, when my husband was here in England, we saw many incredible historic sights, both locally and in the surrounding towns. I gathered material, bought books, took hundreds of photos and videos, and was only back in the apartment long enough each night to sleep. (Our apartment is the middle and top floor of the building on the left. There is a real estate office on the ground floor.) Three days ago, my husband flew home to go back to work, and I stayed here for a while to get down to work as well.

I love that the village’s name is Settle. I love the connotations of the word. Over the weekend, I settled down and am settling in now, spreading my papers and books and computer all over the dining table and coffee table.

Settling IN, Settling DOWN

When we arrived, the apartment looked like this:

  

Now it looks like this:

Settling down has involved going inside my head now to sort through everything I crammed into my brain last week. I take time first thing in the morning for prayer and reading. I don’t rush. Then I check the weather and enjoy watching the mail carrier go down the lane.

The middle of the day is spent writing, reading, and eating! (A lot of each thing.)

At the end of the afternoon, I need another “settling down” time. So I take a walk, straight up the hillside to a paved path with stone walls on both sides, lots of sheep in the fields, benches that overlook the village, and so much GREEN. [See the photos below.]

Then when I enter the village on the way back, I stop at the local grocery store. Most everyone here shops daily, so you run into the same people. I love that. While I’ve heard that the British in the cities can be stand-offish, I haven’t experienced that here at all.

I am loving the language, and I’m understanding people better, like the tiny older man walking his dog on the trail. I remarked that it was a beautiful day. “Ah, smashing, innit?” he agreed. Or the “bloke” ringing up the groceries who always grins and says “cheers” when you leave. And I am remembering to call chips “crisps” and french fries “chips.” And very kind people loan you a brolley when you’ve forgotten your umbrella.

My Daily Walk in Pictures

Take my walk with me!

   

   

   

   

Retreating in My Retreat

I’ve decided that for the remainder of the time I am here that I won’t blog new material. I just want to settle down and work, pretty much cutting off the outside social media world to see how it affects my writing. From what I’ve read in books like Deep Work, it can have a profound affect on the quality of your writing. This is the perfect time for me to put that to the test. So until I return to Texas the first week in October, I will re-post popular older posts. After I get home, I will share some more experiences and pictures of places I still plan to see.

So, as they say in Settle, “Have a smashing day. Cheers!”

Age: Are You Too Old to Write?

Published on by Kristi Holl

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were?”  –Satchel Paige

I had a blog reader last week mention that she was probably too old to start writing. I’d like to debunk that myth.

It’s never too late to get started.

It’s always a good time to tackle a new dream.

 

What’s Age Got To Do With It?

Jessica Tandy won the Academy Award for Best Actress at age eighty. James Michener didn’t write his first novel until age forty-two, then produced a gazillion bestsellers before he died at age ninety. Laura Ingalls Wilder’s first Little House book was published when she was 65. There’s a woman in my neighborhood who can out-run me, and she’s at least seventy. I started biking a few years ago (that’s me in the picture), and while my no-frills bike (foot brakes, one speed) marks me as old, I can pass younger people going up hills. 

Youth isn’t everything–not in physical endeavors, nor mental ones.

Certainly not in writing!

Experience Rules!

Become comfortable with your current age, even if it’s not what you wish it were. You have tremendous writing potential because you’ve lived long enough to have learned a lot. You have life experience! By now you’ve been in the workforce in one career or more. You’ve raised children–enough material there alone to last a lifetime.

Like Wilder, one of my writing students in her late 70’s wrote beautifully about her childhood experiences. She was stunned when she easily sold her remembrances that editors labeled “historical fiction.” She chuckled that one reviewer praised her “extensive research” because she never did anything more than mine her own memories.

Time’s a-Wastin’

If writing and publishing are aspirations for you–but you’ve come to it later in life than others–please don’t let that stop you. If you come to the end of your life, will you be disappointed that you didn’t try? I think you will.

You have the same qualities that drive younger writers: creativity,  perseverance, and a passion to succeed. While you may not have as much energy, you probably have a much larger pool of ideas and experiences to draw from. You may also have more time to choose what to do now that children have grown and flown the coop.

Don’t be afraid to start something new at any stage of life. Chances are good that, if you apply yourself like any other writer, it’s not too late to succeed.

The Dynamics of Change

Published on by Kristi Holl

We’re nearly ready to begin a new writing year! Or ARE you ready? This year you don’t have to get behind on your goals or quit. Why? Because this time you’re going to take time to understand the dynamics of change.

Did you know that 75% of New Year’s Resolutions (or goals) are abandoned by the end of the first week? The number is higher at the end of January. There’s a reason for that.

From Temporary to Permanent

I spend much time on the blog encouraging you to make changes and deal with feelings that are holding you back. So I thought it might help us stay on track as we move through this new year to do a short series on the dynamics of change–or how to make permanent changes.

How do we make changes that stick? How can you be one of the 10% to 15% who keeps on keepin’ on and accomplishes his or her writing goals?

Change in Stages

One mistake we make is thinking that change happens as an act of will only. (e.g. “Starting today, I will write from 9 to 10 a.m.”) If our willpower and determination are strong, we’ll write at 9 a.m. today. If it’s very strong, we’ll make it a week. If you are extraordinarily iron-willed (and never have life interruptions or get sick), you might make it the necessary 21-30 days proven to make it a habit.

Most writers won’t be able to do it.

Why? Because accomplishing permanent change–the critical step to meeting any of your writing goals–is more than choosing and acting on willpower. (And if you master the mini habits way, you won’t need much willpower either.) If you want to achieve your goals, you need to understand the dynamics of change. You must understand what changes habits–the rules of the game, so to speak.

Making Change Doable

All of the habits we’ve talked about in the past–dividing goals into very small do-able slices, rewarding yourself frequently, etc.–are important. They are tools in the process of change.

However, we need to understand the process of change, the steps every successful person goes through who makes desired changes. (It applies to relationship changes and health changes as well, but we’ll be concentrating on career/writing changes.) Understanding the stages doesn’t make change easy, but “it makes it predictable, understandable, and doable,” says Neil Fiore, Ph.D., author of the The NOW Habit.

Change takes place in four main stages, according to numerous government and university studies. Skipping any of the four stages lowers your odds drastically of making permanent changes that lead to a sucessful meeting of goals.

Here are the four stages of change that I will talk about in the following four blog posts. Understanding–and implementing–these consecutive steps is critical for most people’s success in achieving goals and permanent change.

Stages of Change

  • Stage 1: Making Up Your Mind (the pre-commitment stage). This stage will involve feeling the pain that prompts you to want to change, evaluating risks and benefits of the goal you have in mind, and evaluating your current ability.
  • Stage 2: Committing to Change. This stage involves planning the necessary steps and considering possible distractions and things that might happen to discourage you or cause a setback.
  • Stage 3: Taking Action. This stage includes several big steps. You must decide when, where and how to start; you must show up to start despite fears and self-doubts; then you must focus on each step.
  • Stage 4: Maintaining Long-Term Success. This is your ultimate aim if you want writing to be a career. It will involve learning to recover from setbacks and getting mentally tough for the long haul.

(For a thorough discussion beyond the blog posts, see Chapters 11-14 of Neil Fiore’s Awaken Your Strongest Self.)

The Blueprint

So…that’s the plan for the next few blog posts. Do not despair if you’ve struggled with meeting your writing goals in the past. Help–and hope for permanent change–is on the way. I probably struggled with this for twenty years, despite desperately wanting to write full-time. But until I learned that there was more to it than Stage 3 actions, I failed repeatedly.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Let’s make the writing discipline permanently effective so we can move on to the fun of daily writing!

A Parent’s (or Grandparent’s) Writing Schedule

Published on by Kristi Holl

With summer vacation upon us, it seemed like a good time to revisit the subject of writing when you are involved with children or grandchildren.

When my children were small–and even as they grew older–I struggled to find a writing schedule that worked most days of the week. After much trial and error, I would hit upon a schedule that allowed me to write nearly two hours per day.

Bliss–but boy, was it temporary!

Not For Long

That “bliss” lasted a very short time usually–until I once again had morning sickness, or someone was teething, or my husband switched to working nights, or someone started school, or someone else went out for three extra-curricular activities and we lived in the car after school and weekends.

It was many years before I realized there is no one right way to schedule your writing. The “right way” (by my own definition) is simply the schedule that allows me to get some writing done on a regular basis.

[For the five types of parent-writing schedules, read the rest of the article. This is an excerpt from More Writer’s First Aid.]  

Beware the Fuzzies–and Focus!

Published on by Kristi Holl

“How’s your focus?” It’s a question I’ve been wrestling with lately.

Last year my calendar was so full of very good things, but I was frequently exhausted and vaguely dissatisfied. (Well, not vaguely actually. It was a very pointed dissatisfaction with the amount of writing I finished on any given day.)

My children were grown and on their own. I had long ago given up time wasters (TV viewing, hanging on the telephone) and most hobbies (quilting, gardening), and yet…the struggle to write for quality periods of time persisted.

A Busy Blur

A recent sermon gave me a lot to think about. “Beware of living your life without focus,” he said. He talked about how often we substitute being busy for being focused. He finished by challenging us to really give this prayerful thought.

I wrote down his questions and applied them to my writing life:

  • Do you know where you’re going?
  • If you stay on the road you’re on, where is it leading?
  • (And my own corollary question: Are you busy qualifying yourself for a writing life you don’t want?)

Pull Back for Better Focus

You may need to get an overview of how you spend your time before you can answer those questions. It can be an eye-opening exercise to keep track of your activities, hour by hour, for a week or two. For example, you might truly believe that you spend two hours writing every day, plus one hour marketing, and a fourth hour studying. [That’s what I thought I was doing.]

After keeping track, you might find you actually write twenty minutes, but stop frequently to check email. Your marketing hour might actually be spent reading about marketing methods, but not truly doing any marketing of your own projects. Your hour of studying the magazine article on character development might actually boil down to twenty minutes of study and forty minutes of reading ads or following related links.

Training for What?

You may dream of writing novels, but your time tracker might reveal that your writing time is eaten up by writing free newsletters for two organizations you belong to. Or, if you’re well published, you can’t say no when asked to write an endorsement or review of someone’s new book. (That may not sound like much, but reading the book takes several hours, and a well crafted review takes another hour.) Maybe you haven’t had time to work on your own novel for three days because you’ve been critiquing for other writers or writing guest blogs.

All these things make you feel like you’re furthering your writing career as a novelist–but are you? Or are you busy qualifying yourself for something other than your dream? You’re actually gaining experience as a reviewer, a critiquer, a blogger, and a newsletter writer. (Those are fine jobs, if that’s truly what you want to be doing in the long run.) But if you stay on this road–if you continue to spend a large chunk of your writing time this way–do you like where it will inevitably lead you?

Solution?

Beware the fuzzies! Know what your dreams and goals are. We all have our own criteria for choosing goals–and different methods to determine what we’re supposed to do with our writing gifts. (Prayer and journaling work best for me.)

Once you’ve decided, don’t be vague about how you intend to get where you want to go. And stop being an automatic “yes” to each request, no matter how flattering. You must live on a higher plane–above the constant demands for your time–and say “no” to things that don’t further those goals.

Perfectionist Writers

Published on by Kristi Holl

Does perfectionism keep you from getting started on your writing? Does trying to write your best create pressure for you?

If you, you’ll be encouraged something in Art & Fear: Observations On the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking by David Bayles and Ted Orland. It’s about being a perfectionist–and how to deal with the pressure it generates in all artists, including writers. Read about this experiment:

“The ceramics teacher announced on opening day that he was dividing the class into two groups. All those on the left side of the studio, he said, would be graded solely on the quantity of work they produced, all those on the right solely on its quality. His procedure was simple: on the final day of class, he would bring in his bathroom scales and weigh the work of the “quantity” group: fifty pounds of pots rated an “A”, forty pounds a “B”, and so on. Those being graded on “quality”, however, needed to produce only one pot–albeit a perfect one–to get an “A”. Well, came grading time and a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity. It seems that while the “quantity” group was busily churning out piles of work–and learning from their mistakes–the “quality” group had sat theorizing about perfection, and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay.”

Quality from Quantity

Isn’t that a fascinating experiment? I know that we get better by writing more, like a piano player gets better by practicing more. But what struck me is how much more FUN the first group must have had (while at the same time producing superior pots.) They were just trying to create a lot of pots, without any emphasis at all on the finished product.

Could I use the results of this experiment to revamp my own writing that was often stalled by the perfectionist demon?

Reforming the Perfectionist

I decided to try an experiment of my own this morning. Most days I more closely resemble a pot maker from Group B: stewing, not writing, being unhappy with results and scrapping them, judging, blocking, and finally quitting for the day. Today I decided to be a Group A pot-making writer and just relax. I stayed off the Internet till noon and just wrote–a lot. [I had already outlined my book.] My only goal was to produce a lot of pages. I wrote for three hours with intermittent short breaks, and I had fun! From what I can tell, the nice pile of finished pages aren’t half bad either.

I think I’m onto something here! Don’t try to write the Great American Novel today. Just make some pots, lots of pots!