To Survive as a Writer: Finding Margin

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: healing, health, success, writing, writing advice, writing anxiety, writing challenges

Certain Type A personalities seem to thrive on overloaded lives, but most writers don’t.

Our best ideas – and energy to write about them – require some peace and quiet, some “down” time. To get that, we must rebuild margin into our lives.

Defining Margin

What exactly is margin? According to Richard Swenson M.D. author of Margin, “Margin is the space between our load and our limits. It is something held in reserve for unanticipated situations. It is the space between breathing freely and suffocating. Margin is the opposite of overload.”

Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?

You might wonder at what point you became overloaded. It’s not always easy to see when it happens. We don’t have a shut off valve that clicks like when we put gasoline into our cars. Stop! Overload! Usually we don’t know that we are overextended until we feel the pain and frustration.

We would be smart to only commit 80% of our time and energy. Instead, we underestimate the demands on our life. We make promises and commit way more than 100% of our time and energy. Consequently, we have no margin left.

A Simple Formula

What exactly is margin? The formula for margin is straightforward: power – load = margin.

Your power is made up of things like your energy, your skills, how much time you have, your training, your finances, and social support.

Your load is what you carry and is made up of things like your job, problems you have, your commitments and obligations, expectations of others, expectations of yourself, your debt, your deadlines, and personal conflicts.

If your load is greater than your power, you have overload. This is not healthy, but it is where most people in our country live. If you stay in this overloaded state for a good length of time, you get burnout. (And burned out writers don’t write. I know–I’ve been there more than once.)

The Answer

So how do we increase margin? You can do it in one of two ways. You can increase your power — or you can decrease your load. If you’re smart, you’ll do both.

Many of us feel nostalgic for the charm of a slower life. (Few of us, however, miss things like outhouses or milking cows or having no running water.) Usually what we long for is margin. When there was no electricity, people played table games and went to bed early, and few suffered sleep deprivation. Few people used daily planners or had watches with alarms, let alone computers that beeped with e-mail messages and tweets. People had time to read–and to think–and to write. It happened in the margins of their lives.

Progress devoured the margin. We want it back. And I firmly believe that writers must have it back.

PLEASE SHARE: Do you identify? What does “fighting overload” mean to you as a writer? Have you been successful in any ways you can share?

Overloaded Lives

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: emotional healing, healing, health

Do you have any margins left in your life?

Or is your life marginless?

For a long time, I’ve known that something was wrong. People everywhere, of all ages and walks of life, are frazzled. People are anxious and depressed.

And why is that especially important to writers? Because tired, frazzled, anxious, depressed writers don’t write. Or when they do write, they can’t write well.

I have been re-reading some favorite books lately. One such book is Margin, by Richard A. Swenson, M.D. In this book he talks about the fact that most of us live marginless lives now.

What’s “margin”? Margin is the space that once existed between ourselves and our limits. Margin is having something held in reserve for unexpected situations.

Bring It On!

Instead, most of us live overloaded lives. The cost of overload is seen in health problems, financial debt, family and friendships going by the wayside, and having very little or no time for solitude and renewal.

Because of exponential progress in technology and other areas, things in our culture are changing faster and faster. We have more and more choices. Along with all the progress comes increasing stress, change, complexity, speed, intensity, and overload.

However, despite all this speed and change, human beings have relatively fixed limits. We have physical limits, mental limits, emotional limits, and financial limits. Once the threshold of these limits is exceeded, overload displaces margin.

Why Now?

The book details how many conditions we have at play today that are different than at any other time in history. We have run out of room to breathe. We have run out of time to sit and think. And I think this overload – this living beyond our limits – makes writing extremely difficult.

Can anything be done about this? You can’t stop progress, can you? Maybe not, and maybe we don’t want to, but can we regain our emotional health and physical health and relational health? Is it possible to redirect our over-extended lives? Yes, it is, according to this author.

How About You?

As we move into summer, give this “margin” idea some thought. We’ll be exploring some ways to regain margin so that you have more emotional energy, more physical energy, and more time–when you can write, if you choose to.

I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s just what the doctor ordered.

What is one way YOU try to avoid (or deal with) overload?

Strong Writers Do This

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: strategy, studying, Uncategorized

During the past year I’ve done more novel critiques than usual. Some have been so-so, some were very good, and a few have already sold. What was the difference between the “very good” and the “sold” manuscripts? In my opinion, it was the overall strength of the novels.

Often the “very good” book manuscript was strong except for just one area. Maybe there was no felt emotional connection with the main character, or all the dialogue voices sounded like the author’s voice. Perhaps the one weak area was lack of suspense despite beautiful prose, or poorly researched historical facts, or terrible mechanics.

The strong writers had taken time to strengthen even their weaker areas.

Oops!

Often when I mentioned the trouble I saw, the writer emailed me back and said, “I knew that was a problem. I guess I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.” It’s better to listen to your gut feeling and assume if you know there’s a problem, others will see it too.

“Hoping an editor won’t notice” isn’t a solid marketing plan. Even if they had the time (which they don’t), editors aren’t in the business of fixing the story for you or teaching you how to write. They never have been. That’s up to you—but what can you do?

Back to School

“Unless you’re working with an expert instructor, you need to be designing your own writing improvement program,” says James Scott Bell in The Art of War for Writers. “Work out a systematic plan to overcome your weak areas by setting up self-study programs.”

We all hope our novel’s strengths will over-ride the weaknesses, but you want your novel to be healthy overall, not just mostly healthy with one or two weak areas. If your physique were great except for flabby underarms, you would target that flapping fat with exercises and a program designed specifically for upper arms. In the same way, if your novel is weak in one or two areas, you need a specific exercise program to strengthen that area.

For example, if your problem is dialogue that all sounds like the same flat voice, you might need a self-study program called “Creating Distinctive Voices.” Your study question might be: How can I create distinctive voices for each character, so distinctive that I can tell who’s speaking without any identification?

A Plan to Grow Strong

Here’s one plan, and you can adapt it for any area you want to improve:

  1. Make a list of novels where you remember the characters coming through in their dialogue as distinctive. (accent, regional speech, slang, choppy vs. languid speech, hip vs. old-fashioned, formal vs. grammatically incorrect, straightforward vs. flowery speech, etc.)
  2. Choose several of these novels and re-read them specifically for the dialogue. Keep your study question in mind as you read. Underline passages that do the job and then write a few scenes where you try to accomplish the same thing through dialogue. Don’t copy their words, but try to copy the technique used.
  3. Buy some books on the particular writing problem you have and study them. There are good writing books available on every area of craft you can imagine. You don’t have to re-invent the wheel, nor do you have to submit stories that are weak in one or two areas.

In today’s economy, your stories need to be the cream that rises to the top. Ensuring that your novel is strong in every area is one way to do that.

What ways have YOU found effective in making your writing stronger? Leave a comment!

A Walking Idea Factory

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: ideas, inspiration, Uncategorized

Lately I feel about as creative as a cement block.

Most of us know, however, that we can’t wait to feel creative before we write.

Where’s My Muse?

Writers who wait for inspiration before they decide to write are generally known as hobbyists. Working writers—those actively writing and growing in their craft—must write whether the muse is “in” or not.

“Which means, essentially,” says author of The Art of War for Writers, James Scott Bell, “you have to become a walking idea factory.”

And he really does mean walking. He said he gets a lot of his ideas for his current work-in-progress when walking. Ho-hum, I thought at first. Other writers have said the same thing. However, Bell puts a fun twist to his idea.

Dragging My Heels

I love to walk—but I have usually balked at this kind of “work while you walk” advice. After working at my desk, I want a break. And mulling over my novel while taking a walk doesn’t do a darned thing to refresh me. My brain is too tired. When I walk, I want to listen to a book on tape, something Jane Austen-y that I know will feed my soul. Thinking about my own novel just feels like more work to me.

But…that’s not what Bell recommends! His “walk while you work” is different, fun, and effortless.

In his The Art of War for Writers, he says that after a writing session, “I try to take an hour walk every day and listen to an audio book.” Inevitably his muse or imagination (what he calls “the boys in the basement”) sends up ideas for his work-in-progress while he’s listening to his audio book for relaxation. When that happens, he stops, makes a note in the pocket notebook he carries, then goes back to his audio book and walks some more. He calls this his system for “being creative without thinking about it. That way you can be ‘working’ on your idea even when you’re not working on it.”

Working While Walking?

For several days I tried Bell’s system and was really surprised. I honestly hadn’t expected it to work—but it did! While walking and listening to Pride and Prejudice on my MP3 player, my brain released a good number of ideas—things that I could later develop (a secondary character’s flaw, a plot twist that would also show the book’s theme, a better setting for the climax scene). I have to admit that I was very surprised how well this worked.

If you want to try it, here are Bell’s steps for becoming a walking idea factory.

  1. Focus fully on your book or story idea during your writing time.
  2. Talk a walk and relax, get your mind off your story, then capture the ideas that pop up during your walk.
  3. Back home, immediately put your recorded bits in a computer file. Expand on them, brainstorm the ideas, follow rabbit trails. Do that with each idea that popped up on your walk.
  4. Let the ideas cool for a day and then come back to them for assessment.
  5. Decide which ideas to keep and use in your current work. Set the others aside for another project.

Bell says if you get used to thinking this way, your creativity will explode. We could all use that.

Have you ever tried this? Or a similar strategy? If so, please comment!

 

 

Warning: Do You Know Where You Are?

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: goals, Uncategorized

lostWhen trying to get from where we are as writers to where we’d like to be, we will need to follow a path to that publishing destination.

As mentioned a few weeks ago, I’ve been re-reading Andy Stanley’s The Principle of the Path which states that it’s direction–not intention–that determines our destination.

We are travelers, and we look for maps to guide us. We read books and articles on how to get started, get published, and market ourselves.

This guidance becomes our road map, our GPS system for success. Despite hundreds of maps (i.e. books of advice), few writers are as successfully published as they’d like to be.

What’s The Problem?

Is it because we can’t read a map? Usually not. Is it because we don’t really know where we want to end up? Usually not. Then what’s missing?

The starting point.

No matter what type of map you use (Google map, MapQuest, GPS or the old-fashioned paper kind), you first have to know where you are right now. Knowing your destination won’t help one iota if you don’t know your present location.

And why don’t we writers know where we are at this moment? Are we lost? Not really. More like deluded. We deceive ourselves about our true locations at the present time. (I do it too. We all do it.) And that’s one big reason why our “maps” don’t work and don’t get us to our destinations.

Wearing Blinders

Not long ago, I asked a teacher-writer about this. (He’s taught writing at the university level for twenty years.) His classes focus on both writing and publishing your writing. He said one of the biggest problems he ran into was that his students who hoped to publish had no grasp of their current skill level. Most of them believed they were better writers than they were.

They’d been told all through high school that their writing was fabulous, but now they were competing with the cream of the cream in college. They did surface revisions, unwilling to start over or dig deeper. They were used to posting to their blogs (instant gratification in publishing.) After only one rejection by a print publisher, they often hurried to self-publish instead. Many of them felt ready for Carnegie Hall, but they’d only mastered Chopsticks.

Delusions

Whatever their reasons–whatever our reasons–many writers do not have a clear grasp of where they are right now. They see the golden crowns of success in the future: bestseller lists, big royalty checks, crowded book signings. They’re studying several maps: MFA programs, online programs, quitting their day jobs to write for a year.

But they’re deceiving themselves about their starting point.

  • Some of us need basic courses in grammar and punctuation more than an MFA program.
  • Some of us need to keep our day jobs while writing furiously every lunch hour and all day Saturday for a year.
  • Some of us need to study other successful writers’ published books more than we need to meet an agent at the next expensive writer’s conference.
  • Some of us need to lose 50 pounds and deal with our back problems so we can sit for longer periods of time at a keyboard.

If you want to reach your writing dreams, you do need to know your hoped-for destination. If you don’t want to waste years and years re-inventing the wheel, you’ll need to find out how other writers were successful and check out their “maps.”

But if you don’t know your starting point–if you’re not willing to be very honest with yourself about where you are today–those maps and goals won’t do you any good.

Where Am I Today?

So take some time this weekend and, with pen and paper, ask yourself the tough questions.

  • Where are you in the skill areas you need?
  • Where are you an expert, but where are you still a beginner?
  • What parts of the writing life stymie you?
  • How much time per day/week do you really have–or can you carve out–for a writing life?
  • How’s your health, your stamina?

Answers to these questions–honest answers instead of “I wish” answers–are what will be valuable to you. It will be your true starting point. Knowing this will help you choose a map that will actually take you from where you are and point you to your destination: your writing dreams.

Ya Gotta Have Heart

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: Uncategorized

heartWhile taking a writing break today, I re-read a short chapter in James Scott Bell’s writing book called The Art of War for Writers. It was about writing with heart, with passion, with purpose.

I don’t know about you, but I find it really difficult to write something that my heart just isn’t in. It feels flat, and when my critique partner gets hold of it, she says things like, “It’s really smooth, but I don’t feel any emotional connection to your main character.” She can’t connect with her heart. Ouch.

The Heart of the Matter

So how do you get this heart on the page? Bell has an intriguing formula for it. He says,

“Heart = passion + purpose.

Passion means heat. Strength of feeling.

Purpose means you know what you want the reader to feel when she gets to the end of your story.

Heart means directing passion so it serves your desired purpose.”

All Styles Need Heart

All writing styles can have heart. Light humorous styles. Darker serious styles. Breezy styles. It’s not about your style. I recently re-read two fantastic adult novels that both had tremendous heart. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society was lighter, often humorous, reading. The Help (a first novel, by the way) was in a more serious vein, but the passion and purpose in both novels had me turning pages as fast as I could.

So how do you put “heart” into your writing? It isn’t just about passionate feeling. We’ve all read stories with tons of passion, but it meandered all over the place and then just stopped. No purpose. And we’ve all read books–or at least started them–where the purpose was bold as a billboard. But without passionate feeling, it wasn’t engaging.

Simple Exercise

Bell suggested a simple three-part exercise for discovering the heart for your next novel.

  1. Make a list of things you feel very strongly about.
  2. List your favorite books and movies, describing how each one made you feel at the end.
  3. Choose one item from each list and brainstorm on how you might combine them in a story.

I haven’t tried this exercise yet, but I’m going to. With my current novel, I know the purpose. But somewhere along the way of several revisions, I lost touch with the passion part.

I think I’ll take my main character for a long walk and get reacquainted with her–and see if I can’t get that passion back. It will be good for the book–and I’ll enjoy the writing a lot more!

How do YOU find the “heart” of your own stories? Leave a comment!

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Writers

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: habits

“In writing, habit seems to be a much stronger force than either willpower or inspiration.” ~~John Steinbeck.

For several years, I’ve had a list of “The Seven Essential Habits of a Working Writer” scribbled on a scrap of paper and pinned to my bulletin board. I had copied the list from a book by author Jim Denney, who said, “Habits are constant. Inspiration is variable—it comes and goes. That’s why habits are better than inspiration. It is habit, not inspiration, that builds writing careers.”

I want to elaborate on that list, explaining why each habit is important—and how to implement that habit in your daily writing life.

A Writer Writes

You must begin to think like a writer—and that will lead you to acting like a writer. Then you’ll build the habits of a writer—and eventually you will get to enjoy the benefits of being a writer.

Seven Essential Habits of a Working Writer are:

  • Write Daily
  • Cultivate the Art of Solitude Amid Distractions
  • Write Quickly and With Intensity
  • Set Ambitious But Achievable Goals
  • Focus!
  • Finish What You Start and Submit What You Finish
  • Believe You Can

With all of these writing habits firmly in place, you can’t help but succeed!

(This is a long post. For the full article and explanation of all seven habits, click here.)

 

 

Boundaries and Energy Management

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: Boundaries, energy, Uncategorized

If you don’t manage your energy, it won’t matter how well you manage your time.

That point was brought home to me again this weekend when I was re-reading a great book called The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz..

Most of us realize that we have to balance our energy expenditures with energy renewal. But did you realize you must manage your energy input/outgo in all four areas of your life?

Not “One Recovery Fits All”

We’ve been talking lately about boundaries, and how you are a four-part person who needs boundaries in these areas: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Hopefully, between the blog posts and the e-book Boundaries for Writers, you are in the process of rebuilding protection around each of these areas.

You’ll need those boundaries in order to manage the ebb and flow of your energy in these four (very individual) quadrants.

You expend energy from each quadrant. And you need specific recovery of energy in each of the four quadrants.

Spend It…Recover It

Most of us know that after we work hard, we need to spend time in recovery. For a long time, I wondered why my various recovery systems really didn’t work. Maybe your system sounds like mine:

  • I edit a book on the computer for three hours, then when my neck and back are aching, I take a break and read a “fun” novel for fifteen minutes.
  • I spend hours with a very needy friend going through a crisis, then when I get home I eat a candy bar.
  • I work on figuring income taxes all morning, then take a break and pull weeds in the garden.

Nothing wrong with any of that really. Who can argue with fun reading, a candy bar on occasion, or pulling weeds?

It’s just that there is a mis-match. One kind of energy went out, but a different kind came back in.

Wrong Kind of Break

According to the authors of The Power of Full Engagement, we all expend energy in all four quadrants every day. The problem comes when, over time, we no longer replenish in all four quadrants.

For the examples above, I…

  • I was expending both mental energy (editing) and physical energy (hence the aching neck and back.) I only replenished my mind with some fun reading, but continuing to sit actually aggravated my neck and back further. I also needed some recovery that included physical exercise in the area of flexibility.
  • I spent myself emotionally with my friend, but I tried to replenish the emotional quadrant with food (physical). Because sugar gives a quick (but temporary) “high,” we mistake that for emotional recovery. It’s not.
  • I worked on income taxes (definite mental strain), and my recovery was physical only (pulling weeds.)

None of my breaks were ultimately very helpful because none of my breaks actually replenished the kind of energy I had expended.

Take a Break!

While “take a break!” is excellent advice, it needs to be the right kind of break for it to be ultimately helpful or renewing. It doesn’t work to try to recover physical energy by taking a mental break, or recover mental energy by nurturing my emotions. If my spirit is sagging, it needs its own kind of recovery as well.

To maximize how we use all four kinds of energy, we have to actually USE it too! Do you know how your energy capacity diminishes?

  • With overuse
  • With underuse

Yup! Overuse your body, and your energy diminishes. But if you underuse it—let it grow weak in stamina and strength—your energy also diminishes. Overuse your mental abilities without adequate recovery, and your strength diminishes. But if you underuse your mind—don’t require it to stretch and grow—your mental strength also diminishes. The same holds true for your emotional and spiritual quadrants.

Overstepping Energy Boundaries

“We hold ourselves accountable for the ways that we manage our time, and for that matter our money,” say the authors of The Power of Full Engagement. “We must learn to hold ourselves at least equally accountable for how we manage our energy physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.”

I am fascinated by this way of managing energy. Now that I have my Boundaries for Writers in place, I’m ready to make sure that as much energy is coming back inside those boundary walls as is going outside!

Where do you suspect that you have energy drains that aren’t being refilled?

Boundaries for Writers E-book Available

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: Boundaries, Uncategorized

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you have identified some boundary issues in your life after reading the past five posts (links below), I’d like to encourage you to go further in my 70-page Boundaries for Writers e-book.

The blog series could only touch lightly on a few of the topics listed in the e-book. You can read more about it here and order a copy through my website.

If the subject of boundaries is new to you, start here with the blog series:

If you recognize yourself in these articles–or you recognize a few boundary busters in your life–consider buying my $7 e-book, Boundaries for Writers. Below is a 12-chapter Table of Contents.

 Table of Contents

 Chapter One “Why Writers Need Boundaries: Guarding Your Writer’s Heart” … 3

Chapter Two “Four Essential Types of Personal Boundaries” …8

Chapter Three “How Healthy Are Your Boundaries? A Quiz” … 12

Chapter Four “Rebuilding Boundaries” …21

Chapter Five “Setting Boundaries on Rejection and Other Business Matters” … 29

Chapter Six “A Special Kind of Boundary: Time” … 35

Chapter Seven “People Pleasers and Boundary Busters: A Marriage Made in Heaven”…42

Chapter Eight “Pleasures to Lift the Spirits: Boundaries for Self-Care” … 46

Chapter Nine “Boundaries with Friends and Family” … 51

Chapter Ten “Living with Severe Boundary Busters” … 58

Chapter Eleven “Are Boundaries Scriptural?” … 65

Chapter Twelve “Resources” … 69

 

Degrees of Boundary Busters

Published on by Kristi Holl Category: Boundaries, Uncategorized

Are all boundary invaders created equal?

Absolutely not!

We’ve been talking a lot this month about healthy boundaries, unhealthy boundaries, and boundary recovery. Why is there a need for recovery? Because at some point–or several points–your boundaries were invaded.

Degrees of Boundary Invaders

To be honest, the major boundary busters–often dubbed “abusers”–are the easiest to spot (especially in someone else’s life.)

Harder to detect are those “minor” boundary invaders who look quite normal. Hardest to detect of all are the abusers who masquerade as the “good guys” and “great gals” of this world, but who are wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Different Invaders, Different Solutions

Depending on the type of boundary buster(s) in your life, you will need different solutions. While the basic anatomy of a boundary is the same for each type, the actual line you must draw (and consequences you enforce) will vary considerably.

Types of boundary busters will go from one end of the spectrum to the other. On the “easy” end, you have people who infringe on your time or mental space without intending to and without realizing they do it. With this type of person, a simple boundary works. You might only need to say, “When I am at my writing desk–even if I’m staring out the window thinking–please don’t ask me questions or talk to me unless there is a real emergency. When my train of thought gets interrupted, I have to start over, or I lose it altogether. I’m not trying to be rude–I just need to think without interruption when I’m writing.”

This type of invader doesn’t take offense and is glad to oblige you. They didn’t intend to disrupt your writing. They are what is known as “boundary lovers.”

Assume the best in the beginning. Assume when you set a boundary that you are dealing with a boundary lover who isn’t being invasive on purpose. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Trust me. You will know very soon by their reaction if you have a boundary lover there–or not.

The “Other” Kinds

The world would be a much easier place if everyone you encountered–both at home and in public–were boundary lovers.

They’re not.

There are a number of degrees of boundary busters. Some will dislike your boundaries and be angry about them. Others will try to make you change your mind–or else. Some will decide to make you pay if you enforce boundaries. Some will try to make you pay BIG TIME if you try to reclaim your own thoughts, feelings, time, personal decisions, and calling.

Disgruntled people who don’t like your boundaries may pout, whine, yell, or stomp around, depending on their (emotional) age. If you’re quietly persistent in enforcing your boundaries, most of them adjust to the new normal.

Boundary haters who are used to having a very high degree of control over you will exhibit all kinds of nasty behavior. So will those whose emotional security is based on having all your attention. (These people can look like arrogant bullies or soft-spoken people who cry easily.)

Here are some things I have seen either personally or dealt with in student situations.

  • A woman who had saved money for her first writing conference had it stolen by her spouse so she couldn’t go. [I loved her response though. She promptly applied for a scholarship, won it, and went.]
  • One student years ago (who was writing songs and a picture book, which he only worked on three times a week) had his wife threaten to gain weight if he didn’t give up the writing and spend that time with her. He kept writing, and she gained fifty pounds, informing him of every ten-pound gain.
  • One woman decided to write for an hour after her children went to school, putting off her daily visit next door to her elderly father for just an hour. He gave her the “after all I’ve done for you” speech and then threatened to cut her out of his will. She persisted in writing first, and to my knowledge, he never followed through.
  • One friend was dropped by another friend when she asked to change the time of their garage sale/coffee get-togethers so she could write. The friend wouldn’t change at all and found someone else to hang out with, cutting the writer out of her life.

Thankfully these are extreme situations, but they happen.

You’re Not Alone

Some writers and writers-to-be are in close relationships with emotional blackmailers, passive-aggressive people, narcissists, and verbal abusers. They are difficult–but not impossible–to set and enforce boundaries with. I say that because I’ve done it.

I cover these issues in my chapter on severe boundary busters in my upcoming “Boundaries for Writers” e-book. I’m glad there are many additional books on these specific types of boundary invaders, and I include them in the “Resources” chapter.

Don’t let this post scare you. Let it encourage you instead, in case you suspect you have one or more people in your life who may react badly to a boundary. Most of us have at least one within the family, in our extended family, or within our friendships.

Do you think you might have one in your life? If so, leave a comment! [You don’t need to reveal specifics.]